Happy Birthday?

(courtesy of http://www.thicksational.com/home/category/nancy-hayssen/)

Daily goal- get through today w/o crying, and try not to do too much damage at the restaurant tonight
Daily quote- "In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale." ~Stephen Phillips

Well today's the 21st birthday...and this is by far the most depressing birthday I think I've ever had. I feel old and mostly useless. I think I'm just bummed cause it doesn't seem like anyone remembered my birthday, and I don't get to see my boyfriend (which isn't his fault really), and I have to go out to eat and there's nothing healthy there at all and *grumble, grumble, grumble*

I'm sure it'll get better, but for now I have to go to work

Day 2

(The cover of Crytal Renn's book)

Today's goals- treadmill and water again, and get through today without breaking down (seriously I just need to get through)

Today's quote- "Your past does not equal, nor does it dictate, your future."

DAY 1

Daily Goals- Treadmill for at least 60 minutes, drink 64 oz of water
Daily Quote- "You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there."

Well here's to day 1, weighed in at 197 which isn't so bad considering the amount of fajitas, cake, ice cream, and tequila that were consumed this past weekend. Its still 32 pounds higher than I'd like to weigh, but we'll get there....just one day at a time. I'll post again tonight with my intake for the day. That's another thing I'm going to try to do so I can keep up with my caloric intake and such.

Anyway, off to start school work and get on the treadmill and do laundry...and basically attack my 30 item deep to-do list...yay =P

*edit*
B- cereal, milk, and an apple (approx 185 Cal)
L- myoplex bar (approx 350 Cal)
D- turkey, peach, and a small salad with fat free dressing (no idea....500?600?)

Treadmill for an hour, about 300 Calories burned

Tired as hell and the depression's hitting me really hard.

Honesty can be a painful thing

So here I am again, fat and frustrated. I realize beating myself up won't do me a whole lot of good so I'll refrain as best as I can.

New plan....a pound a week (except for the last few weeks, I have those set to half a pound/week) gets me at 165 by my 3 year anniversary w/ Ryan (June 12). I know that's a long way off, but it gives me some allowance for Christmas and Thanksgiving and birthday's and such. I'm going to start doing daily updates again...which will consist of a daily goal(s), an inspirational picture, and a good quote or verse to get me through the day. This might be kind of rigid, but I think I need a ridiculously detailed plan right now. Workout every weekday, going to start out with treadmill and mild weights, may add in some pilates if I have the time.

Right now I'm just pissed off at myself for failing so many times. But tomorrow's a new day, so I'll update once all of this gets underway.

Pondering again

Well I promised a real update, so here it goes:

I'm one of the most insecure people you'll ever meet. I rarely do something without second guessing myself, and when it comes to appearance....hahaha, yeah, no confidence whatsoever. There's probably a list of reasons a mile long from my childhood, but what I want to focus on is that perhaps this is simply a manifestation of other insecurities. Perhaps (and yes this is probably just a load of psycho babble) my fear of failure leads to my physical insecurities. I'm afraid of failing in so many different aspects, that perhaps the physical is the middle ground if you will. I fear that I'm not smart enough and that I'm not going to succeed in my career and that I'm going to push away people that I love. I fear all of those things, but they rarely paralyze me the way my physical insecurities do. This could mean several things, but I can't help but wonder if I need a direction for these insecurities. If I focused on all of these, I would drive myself insane. Maybe this was the most rational of the insecurities so it became a fixation? Growing up in the setting that I did, I learned at a young age that beauty was everything, so it's possible that that being a socially normative fear, that I clung to it. If any of that is true, than I need to work on all of my other insecurities to truly get over my body image issues.

Anyway, if I think too much more, I'm going to hurt myself. That may be complete bullshit but I think there's some truth under the bs =) G'night

Day 3...I think

I had a lot to say, but now I'm just pissed cause I can't eat my own damn cake.

I'll update tomorrow, I promise! It'll be a real post and everything.

Another Epiphany

So I was about to go to bed, lights out curled up in my comforter and it hits me...I equate the strangest things with beauty. Tonight I was feeling really stressed about money issues so I told myself I was ugly. The other day I was feeling inadequate about my GRE and I felt ugly. I had some difficulties with a specific recipe and I felt ugly. I didn't call myself dumb for not getting it, I didn't get frustrated at myself for getting distracted, I told myself that I was a fat cow.

I'm too tired to know what that means exactly but I know it's significant and I wanted to write it down before I forgot about it. Sometime tomorrow I'll comment on the why and how of the above statement, but for now I'm going to bed. G'night

Day 2

Today was a good day, best I've had in a while actually. It was relaxing and enjoyable and overall just a very good day.

Diet's going alright, not nearly where I'd like it to be though. I have such a hard time getting started some days. Some days, though the mere thought makes me cringe, I think "fat camp" is a great idea cause you get shoved into being healthy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Dieting here is difficult...you can be on the best diet in the world but that doesn't mean that there won't be birthday's with cake, celebration dinners, or late night cravings because you know the food is downstairs in the freezer. I guess I just need to learn self-control, and I know it'll come, but right now i'm still in a "comfort food mode". I'm slowly emerging from it though, by this time next week I should be fully committed and my birthday will be over =)

When I was struggling with the other end of eating (ie- not eating) I used to post "thinspirations". Basically, I found pictures of the most emaciated women on the planet and posted pictures of them as my goal. Looking back on that I realize that that was slightly masochistic. Anyway, I've decided to go with that same thought, but with healthy, beautiful women:If I understand this correctly, this is the same chick that I posted yesterday. I think she's gorgeous!! And I think that's an obtainable goal.

Anyway, much left to do today, so I'll get back to it.

Revelations over the past few days

Well I'm back up to 194, surprise surprise!
I can't spend long updating this cause I need to get ready to go to church but I had 2 revelations last night and I feel like I need to post them before I forget them

1) I am a closet eater. I don't eat a whole log when I'm around other people or when I know that people will have a way of finding out what I've eaten. However if I know that noone will know, I will most likely eat. Especially if there's stress involved. It's a problem, one that I've been ignoring and now need to address.

2) I have got to get the "perfect body" out of my head, because I'm never going to look like that. Yes, I would love to be 6 foot and 120 pounds, but it's NEVER going to happen. That's not me being pessimistic, that's me knowing my body (besides I'm a little old to grow a few more inches!!). Having that body in my head used to be a motivation, but now it's a problem. Now when I picture that perfect body and I look at mine I just get disgusted and fed up. I've got to find a better image, one that doesn't look like an anorexic supermodel would be prefferable. Something like this:( picture from http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/360570-men-do-you-prefer-voluptuous-bbw-48.html)

She's not skinny, but she's gorgeous and healthy and that's my new goal. Skinny isn't going to happen, no matter how hard I try. I think that's part of why I've had such a hard time sticking to a plan. When you're aiming for an unrealistic goal, it's difficult to keep up momentum.

Anyway, I need to get to church, but I suppose today would be day 1...again.