ponderings

Well yesterday was.....bad, horrible, emotionally unstable, etc. Point being that it was a rough day. Had a bit of an emotional breakdown over something completely trivial (or at least it is to most people). The good news is that I really do think that it was the subject matter that made me break as opposed to my general state of being (if that makes any sense at all?). It did make me take a look at my meds and condition in general which was hard but probably a good thing. I think I still may try to get a change in meds, just to help alleviate the anxiety, but I'm not nearly as concerned as I was yesterday.

Today has been much better =) I got up and ate breakfast, did 3 miles on the treadmill, did some weights...though I couldn't do many of them cause I was so tight and sore!!. Though I HATE exercising, it's been good for me to get some of my stress out that way. I'm starting to feel human again and I think that's probably part of it =)

Anyway, there's the update

Pondering

Last night was icky =P I decided to do my "Do You Think I'm Beautiful" Bible study...and it was about the physical stuff this time and it was hard and there were a lot of tears. For part of it we had to list 5 things we found beautiful about ourselves...and I couldn't. That was weird and hard to swallow for some reason. I guess I never really thought about it before, I dunno, it was just hard!!

It just brought up a lot of emotions that I typically chose to ignore (or at least attempt to ignore). I wasn't expecting it, that's all. Anyway, I'm feeling better this morning, just needed a bit of sleep I suppose.

I'm going to try and treadmill or walk or something today, I need to do something!! I'm still super sore from yesterday, but I need to push past it. I have a nutritionist appointment this Friday that I'm thinking about canceling, or at least moving. I'm too embarrassed to go!!! We'll see...

Anyway, overall less pissed and less stressed than I have been so yay?

It's so HOT!!

I was REALLY pissed off this morning for a variety of reasons (seriously there were like 10 things I was ticked about this morning) so I went on a walk. Apparently I was quite angry when I left the house, cause I took off 1/3 of my time. Ended up doing a 45 minute walk around the neighborhood. I may do some weights or pilates later depending on how the rest of my day goes =P haha

Anyway, I'm going to go attempt to be productive!

Sleep is good!!

Just took something to help me sleep so this post won't be long.

B- cereal and pineapple
L- 1/2 baked potatoe (mostly cheese and salt on it, little butter) and a cup of fruit
D- beef tips and rice and mixed vegies

Respectable, but w/o the exercise I don't know if it'll do any good. I weighted in at 187 today which is depressing but it could have been much worse

Depression was overall better today, until I had to drive home from Ryan's. I think it's the late night combined with being alone combined with being exhausted, but it hit hard tonight- thus the sleeping pill.

I'm going to do evrything in my power to make sure that i get some sleep tonight =) Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe I'll be able to feel pretty again

Sick...again

My poor tummy!!

Today Bill came down to stay with us, so the healthy eating began.

Reduced fat coffee cake and a chai frap (no whip) on the way to the airport, 1/2 a PB&J (it was the icky, healthy peanut better) with 5 pineapple chunks for lunch, and dinner consisted of a cup of red beans and brown rice and 5 strawberries. Throughout the day, I probably had 10-20 cherries as snacks here and there.

Over all I did great, but I'm paying for it. I always view this period as a sort of detox, and I usually get sick, which I did today. Not bad, but my tummy's rebelling. A small part of me kind of likes the detox process, but most of me wants to shoot someone right now. =P If mom and I keep eating like Bill is we're going to look great come September.

I'm approaching round 3 cautiously. I really don't want to be a disappointment to myself, but I don't want to not try....so caution is a good thing I think.

I just want to feel beautiful. Is that so much to ask? I just want to feel beautiful!!

Ignore that

Ignore the last post. I'm still not feeling all that great, but much better than last night. I guess sometimes we just need to break a little bit before we can get better.

I'll update more tonight, right now I have to get to the airport

Rant

So I need to rant and vent and shit, please don't take this literally. I know 99.9% of these things aren't true or aren't as bad as I'm making them seem, but they're how Im feeling right now and if I don't get them out, then I won't be able to sleep and it'll be last night all over again:

I feel like a cow, a fat ugly cow. I don't feel like a cow because of anything in particular, I just do. I haven't exercised in a week I haven't eaten well in a week. I was doing so well. I got down to my lowest weight ever and what do i do? I go and fuck it up again. At this rate I'm never going to be down to a normal weight and that sucks!! I keep trying and I keep screwing myself over and I don't know how to deal with this!!!!!!!!!...and I just managed to wack myself in the head with my laptop....I'm just so mad at myself! Why the hell can't I have some self-control and restraint, why can't I be disiplined.

I hate myeslf right now and I probably don't mean that but I'm just so pissed off at myself because I can't do this one simple thing. This is not spposed to be that hard, but it is and I don't get it!

Anyway. I'm ging to go cry myself to sleep and pray to God that tomorrow is a million times better cause I can't have another day like this!!

A little better explanation

Can't type much cause I have to leave in a few minute. I'm feeling...confused as hell. haha I'm just so frustrated with myself right now which makes me want to give up completely to relieve the frustration. But I know that's not an option, but even though I know that, I've been eating horribly lately. I mean it's better than my binges and stuff used to be, but still. I'm sure I'm back up to at least 186, but I'm too scared to look.

I think I'm so stressed out with everyone else's problems (specifically the whole Bill thing) that I neglect myself ya know? It wouldn't be the first time. It sucks though, cause I love helping other people and I'm havig a hell of a time finding a balance between the 2. I'm also struggling with the guilt complex. Like I don't want to ask anyone for help cause everyone has so much on their own plate right now. I'm weird, I know =P

I'll just keep praying and stuff, and I'm sure I'll be able to get through the emotional part. I hate emotions!!!=P

Mk, well I don't really want to talk about yesterday, nor do I particularly want to talk about how today went.

I'll figure this things out eventually, but right now it really sucks.

I'm mad at myself, I hate my body, and I really just want to curl up in bed and stay here for a few days.

Sleep will make it better, hopefully =)

Breakdown

First breakdown in a while. I'll post tomorrow when it's over

"

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all."

meh

I haven't done well at all this week with anything health related. The fact that my toe is swollen to twice its size and a lovely shade of purple hasn't helped with the exercise part of it. The rest of it is just me not knowing how to deal adequately with stress. I'll try again tomorrow I suppose. I've gotta be strong right now, ya know? Too much going on for me to be struggling so bad with this stuff. Ugh.

I need sleep. I'll feel better in the morning. I always do. I could really use that sheep, or a baby mammoth =P, about now. That or my boyfriend, regretfully he's asleep across town. I don't think his parents (or mine for that matter) would appreciate me driving across town for a good cuddle =P Ah well, I get to see him tomorrow =)

Anyway, g'night. Busy day tomorrow getting ready for Bill to come down.

Up and Down again

Today was up and down. Mostly up, but pretty down right now. I was super excited about my weightloss, but I feel like I kind of blew it tonight. I hope not. I don't want to gain the weight back. It's late and I'm exhausted, that's probably why I feel so bad. I just want to be skinny and have people look at me and not think that i'm overweight and when I do something to jepordize that I get mad at myself. I'm trying not to be mad at myself, but i don't want to be too easy on myself either. I'll feel better in the morning, always do, but for now I'm kind of down =(

=D

So I weighed in at 183.8 this morning =D I can't begin to tell you how much I needed to see that number. I'm actually crying I'm so happy right now.

Losing weight has always been a struggle, and there are just so many emotions entwined with this journey.

I promise I'll post something longer when I stop crying!!

I'm so hungry!!

I'm not really sure what my deal is today, but I'm so hungry!!!! Ugh...I know I can't eat anymore, but my tummy's making all sorts of noises at me!

I slept in today =) which was much needed. Not to worry I did an hour on the treadmill this afternoon.

I weighed again today- same weight as last time, but I had just eaten lunch and had my sweats on so hopefully when I weigh tomorrow it'll be a bit less. I could REALLY use some encouraging news!! I'm not depressed, I'm just kind of fed up with the whole diet thing. It'll pass, I'm sure it will, but right now I'm just kind of cranky about it. I guess I keep expecting to wake up one day and all of my clothes be too big, but it doesn't work that way =(

I just keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end....really....i promise