So I made a HUGE mistake this morning and weighed myself, I gained a pound?!?!?!?!?! haha I'm sure it's just water weight and bloating and stuff, but it was kind of a blow to the self-confidence. I'm not weighting again until next Sunday, that way I'll have been exercising 5 days a week before I weigh in again. I knew better, but I guess I was just hoping that I would have magically lost some weight.
On a brighter note, I got my nails done yesterday. I realize that has NOTHING to do with weight loss, but it was nice to relax for a bit and not worry about all of this. I also cleaned out my car yesterday, which doesn't sound like it has to do with weight loss, but oddly enough it does. I had a lot of fast food bags and stuff still in my car from Lord only knows how long ago. I needed to throw all of that out for obvious reasons, but also for a new start. Everytime I got in my car it reminded me of how badly I had screwed up my diet, but it's all gone now =) I'm thinking I'm going to go get it washed and waxed today (it's been a year since it's been washed...oops!)
I'm going to try to post my intake on here- I'm hoping it'll keep me more accountable and stuff:
Yesterday's intake:
Calories: 150, Total Fat: 2g, Carbs: 26g, Protein: 6g-oatmeal
Calories: 78, Total Fat: 0g, Carbs: 21g, Protein: 1g- raisins
Calories: 716, Total Fat: 24.5g, Carbs: 35g, Protein: 44g- quesadillas
Calories: 142, Total Fat: 7.4g, Carbs: 17.8g, Protein: 1.98g- chips
Calories: 180, Total Fat: 4g, Carbs: 25g, Protein: 10g- protein bar
1266 Cal, 38 Fat, 125 Carbs, 63 Prot
I talked to mom about what Ryan and I had talked about and she completely agreed with him (go figure! =P) We had a good conversation about it all though, and about how she does the same thing. Anyway it was a pretty encouraging conversation. We're going to try to walk every day (a lot of that depends on her knee) and we're going to keep each other accountable. It'll be nice to have someone that I live with to help keep me on track. Ryan does a great job, but he's not always here. Between Ryan and my mom, I'll pretty much have no choice but to lose weight =P
I'm still trying to come up with different motivations, reasons, and rewards for the weight loss. I posted a motivation/reason yesterday so I'll post a reward today (can you tell that I really don't want to go run errands =P). I'm going to get my teeth whitened when this is all said and done. I don't know why, but I've always been kind of self-conscious about my teeth. It makes sense to me that if I lose the weight, and buy new clothes, I should have a nice, bright smile to complete the look. *shrug* makes sense to me!!
Anyway, I really do have to go run a few errands now!!! Sorry for the rambling
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Revelation Part Deux
Mixed feelings this morning, but I think it's just cause I'm not awake =P
I finally got up the nerve to get on the scale- 187.4. So i've gained a pound and a half, but that's not nearly as bad as I thought!!
5/31-187
6/8-186
6/14-185
6/21- 184
6/28-183
7/5- 182
7/12- 181
7/19-180
7/26- 179
8/2-178
8/9-177
8/16-176
8/23-175
8/30-174
9/6-173
9/13-172
9/20- 170/171
I'm hoping that for the first week or so it'll be a little over a pound a week, but I figured I'd make conservative figures so that I don't a) try to starve myself and b)I don't get depressed if I don't lose a ton of weight.
I'm not really sure that 170 is my final number, but it's kind of my goal until i can reassess. I have no idea what Im supposed to weigh. I've been told as low as 150, but I honestly think that I would look emaciated at that weight. So like I said, I'll get to 170 and see how it's going. I have a feeling that once i get to 170, it'll be more about toning than actually losing weight.
I'm still feeling kind of down, just because of the conversation that went down last night, but I'm better. Like I said last night, it wouldn't have hurt if it wasn't true. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I know that's not an excuse to not lose the weight. I just have to constantly remind myself that this is something I need to do whether i feel like it or not.
I keep trying to find new areas of inspiration- I think today's is my honeymoon. Am i even engaged? no...but there's a good chance that I may be in the next year or so. I know he loves me the way i am, but I really don't want him to see like this, ya know? I want to be able to go into both my wedding and honeymoon feeling beautiful, confident, and sexy. I know it's doable, but if I were to be at this weight, I think I would have a hard time with that. Wouldn't it be amazing to have a size 8 or 10 wedding dress? I've never worn an 8 or a 10...ever.
Anyway, I should go get ready for my meeting. After that I'm having lunch with mom, but it'll be steamed chicken, brown rice, and vegetables. Then I'm hanging out with Sarah, we're dong Starbucks but I'll either drink tea or water and then we're getting our nails done, so there's no food there =) woohoo!!
I finally got up the nerve to get on the scale- 187.4. So i've gained a pound and a half, but that's not nearly as bad as I thought!!
5/31-187
6/8-186
6/14-185
6/21- 184
6/28-183
7/5- 182
7/12- 181
7/19-180
7/26- 179
8/2-178
8/9-177
8/16-176
8/23-175
8/30-174
9/6-173
9/13-172
9/20- 170/171
I'm hoping that for the first week or so it'll be a little over a pound a week, but I figured I'd make conservative figures so that I don't a) try to starve myself and b)I don't get depressed if I don't lose a ton of weight.
I'm not really sure that 170 is my final number, but it's kind of my goal until i can reassess. I have no idea what Im supposed to weigh. I've been told as low as 150, but I honestly think that I would look emaciated at that weight. So like I said, I'll get to 170 and see how it's going. I have a feeling that once i get to 170, it'll be more about toning than actually losing weight.
I'm still feeling kind of down, just because of the conversation that went down last night, but I'm better. Like I said last night, it wouldn't have hurt if it wasn't true. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I know that's not an excuse to not lose the weight. I just have to constantly remind myself that this is something I need to do whether i feel like it or not.
I keep trying to find new areas of inspiration- I think today's is my honeymoon. Am i even engaged? no...but there's a good chance that I may be in the next year or so. I know he loves me the way i am, but I really don't want him to see like this, ya know? I want to be able to go into both my wedding and honeymoon feeling beautiful, confident, and sexy. I know it's doable, but if I were to be at this weight, I think I would have a hard time with that. Wouldn't it be amazing to have a size 8 or 10 wedding dress? I've never worn an 8 or a 10...ever.
Anyway, I should go get ready for my meeting. After that I'm having lunch with mom, but it'll be steamed chicken, brown rice, and vegetables. Then I'm hanging out with Sarah, we're dong Starbucks but I'll either drink tea or water and then we're getting our nails done, so there's no food there =) woohoo!!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Revelation Part 1
I'm exhausted, so I'll keep this short and sweet. I'll expound tomorrow.
My heart's hurting a bit from tonight's conversation with Ryan. He didn't do or say anything wrong, but what he did say was true...which was why it hurt so bad to hear. Basically he talked about how I am so hard on myself in some aspects of my life but I give myself too much slack in others. His example (which was sadly accurate) was that if I eat a gram of sugar I freak out and hate myself and overreact about how badly I've done (which usually means trying really hard the next day to do better), but if I eat 2 grams of sugar then I decide to screw it and give up because obviously I can't do it.
He also brought up the painful point that I really don't think highly enough of myself to think that I deserve to lose the weight or to feel pretty. A point that I've known for a while, but have consistantly ignored until now.
It was a really rough conversation and I pretty much cried all the way home, but I'm glad we had it. And I'm glad that he loves me enough to be honest with me.
So tonight after I left his house, I went and got my last bite of fast food for a very VERY long time (I hadn't eaten much of anyhting today). Was that the right thing to do? I dunno, but I'm good with it so it doesn't much matter. I don't feel guilty (which is weird!!) I just feel like I enjoyed some food before going on a fairly strict diet.
Starting tomorrow- no more dessert, unless its like sugar free/fat free pudding or something. I'm going to focus on dieting for the next 4 days and then introduce the exercise on Monday. Praise the Lord that my nutritionist had to cancel for next week and we can't meet for another 4 weeks =) gives me time to shape up.
All of that to say, 1)I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and am very grateful to have him in my life 2)I have GOT to start getting in the Word and doing my Bible study again 3)my brain and my heart hurt and feel mildly like they are about to explode and 4) it's back on the wagon again
My heart's hurting a bit from tonight's conversation with Ryan. He didn't do or say anything wrong, but what he did say was true...which was why it hurt so bad to hear. Basically he talked about how I am so hard on myself in some aspects of my life but I give myself too much slack in others. His example (which was sadly accurate) was that if I eat a gram of sugar I freak out and hate myself and overreact about how badly I've done (which usually means trying really hard the next day to do better), but if I eat 2 grams of sugar then I decide to screw it and give up because obviously I can't do it.
He also brought up the painful point that I really don't think highly enough of myself to think that I deserve to lose the weight or to feel pretty. A point that I've known for a while, but have consistantly ignored until now.
It was a really rough conversation and I pretty much cried all the way home, but I'm glad we had it. And I'm glad that he loves me enough to be honest with me.
So tonight after I left his house, I went and got my last bite of fast food for a very VERY long time (I hadn't eaten much of anyhting today). Was that the right thing to do? I dunno, but I'm good with it so it doesn't much matter. I don't feel guilty (which is weird!!) I just feel like I enjoyed some food before going on a fairly strict diet.
Starting tomorrow- no more dessert, unless its like sugar free/fat free pudding or something. I'm going to focus on dieting for the next 4 days and then introduce the exercise on Monday. Praise the Lord that my nutritionist had to cancel for next week and we can't meet for another 4 weeks =) gives me time to shape up.
All of that to say, 1)I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and am very grateful to have him in my life 2)I have GOT to start getting in the Word and doing my Bible study again 3)my brain and my heart hurt and feel mildly like they are about to explode and 4) it's back on the wagon again
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Who Knows What Day
I have no idea what day it is, but I suppose it doesn't much matter. You can't really call how I've been eating dieting, so it is pretty much irrelevant.
The new battle plan starts Monday. Mom will be home so I'll be walking almost every day and that's what really lacking from my routine right now. The eating doesn't seem to be making that huge of a difference in my weight fluctuation, but I know that working out will make a world of difference.
As far as eating goes, I have got to talk to mom about our food. For the most part the meals themselves are ok, but in order to make our guests (or Ryan, who after 2 years is more like family than a guest) happy she keeps making deserts. In the past week, i kid you not, she has made a batch of brownies and german chocolate cake and bought us all Dairy Queen blizzards. I appreciate desert, but we have got to find healthier alternatives. Desert really is my weekness. In theory I can not eat what she bakes....but if you have tasted her baking, you know that's not really an option =P I've made a bunch of significant life choices, but I have still yet to master self control and will power. Maybe that's my next goal.
All of that to say, my day count is going to start over come Monday. I've fallen off the wagon and it's time to get back on.
I have a bit more incentive now (besides health and a more positive body image). Mom said that if I lost the weight by my birthday then she would take me on a shopping weekend. We haven't done that in a while and they are so much fun...and I'll need more clothes. I believe (and correct me if I'm wrong baby, if you're reading this) that Ryan offered to carry some bags =P
Enough rambling, time for bed.
The new battle plan starts Monday. Mom will be home so I'll be walking almost every day and that's what really lacking from my routine right now. The eating doesn't seem to be making that huge of a difference in my weight fluctuation, but I know that working out will make a world of difference.
As far as eating goes, I have got to talk to mom about our food. For the most part the meals themselves are ok, but in order to make our guests (or Ryan, who after 2 years is more like family than a guest) happy she keeps making deserts. In the past week, i kid you not, she has made a batch of brownies and german chocolate cake and bought us all Dairy Queen blizzards. I appreciate desert, but we have got to find healthier alternatives. Desert really is my weekness. In theory I can not eat what she bakes....but if you have tasted her baking, you know that's not really an option =P I've made a bunch of significant life choices, but I have still yet to master self control and will power. Maybe that's my next goal.
All of that to say, my day count is going to start over come Monday. I've fallen off the wagon and it's time to get back on.
I have a bit more incentive now (besides health and a more positive body image). Mom said that if I lost the weight by my birthday then she would take me on a shopping weekend. We haven't done that in a while and they are so much fun...and I'll need more clothes. I believe (and correct me if I'm wrong baby, if you're reading this) that Ryan offered to carry some bags =P
Enough rambling, time for bed.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Day 67
I'm weighing at 185.5 right now
My motivation is pretty much at an all time low. I went through my closet and got rid of all of the clothes that were to big. It was pretty encouraging, but not motivating. I feel like I'm at a really weird place. I'm so annoyed with my body, but I don't really have the energy to get off my butt and do something about it. I don't really know what's wrong with me. I realized today that I have forgotten to take my Welbutrin these past few days so that's what I'm going to assume it is. I made sure to take them today. I'm 99.9% sure that that will make a huge difference.
I made out my summer calendar and to do list. If I lose only a pound a week then I'll be down to my goal (170) by my 21st birthday. That's my goal as of now, and I'm sure it's a reachable goal, though for some reason it seems kind of overwhelming right now. A pound a week is perfectly doable and once I get my butt up and start exercising things are going to be fine.
I think I've just failed so many times that it's kind of hard for me fathom losing the weight once and for all. I really just need to see it is a possible goal...if that makes sense? I don't know, it's just hard to go after a goal that you don't really believe in I guess.
Anyway, enough rambling!! I'll try to get on the treadmill today and get back on track. I only have 15 pounds to lose, it can't be that bad...right?
My motivation is pretty much at an all time low. I went through my closet and got rid of all of the clothes that were to big. It was pretty encouraging, but not motivating. I feel like I'm at a really weird place. I'm so annoyed with my body, but I don't really have the energy to get off my butt and do something about it. I don't really know what's wrong with me. I realized today that I have forgotten to take my Welbutrin these past few days so that's what I'm going to assume it is. I made sure to take them today. I'm 99.9% sure that that will make a huge difference.
I made out my summer calendar and to do list. If I lose only a pound a week then I'll be down to my goal (170) by my 21st birthday. That's my goal as of now, and I'm sure it's a reachable goal, though for some reason it seems kind of overwhelming right now. A pound a week is perfectly doable and once I get my butt up and start exercising things are going to be fine.
I think I've just failed so many times that it's kind of hard for me fathom losing the weight once and for all. I really just need to see it is a possible goal...if that makes sense? I don't know, it's just hard to go after a goal that you don't really believe in I guess.
Anyway, enough rambling!! I'll try to get on the treadmill today and get back on track. I only have 15 pounds to lose, it can't be that bad...right?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
It was a very up and down weekend, but I'm exhausted so I'll just say that tomorrow it all starts up again. I'm done with school and the stress is mostly finished and its time to focus on my health again. Hoping to get to my goal by my birthday in September. Right now I'm at 185.8 and I'm hoping to get to 170 or 160 depending on how I look at 170. It seems pretty doable =)
Anyway, i'm going to bed but i'll update with progress tomorro
Anyway, i'm going to bed but i'll update with progress tomorro
Friday, May 15, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Day 57 cn't
Some days I swear I'm bi-polar. Sometimes I look in the mirror and smile because I can see my stomach getting smaller and I can start to see my cheek and collar bones. And then there's the other times...where I look in the mirror and cry hysterically because I'm fat and ugly and it doesn't seem like it's ever going to change. It just seems like my perception of myself is constantly swinging from one extreme to the other.
I really don't have the time or the energy to deal with my mood swings right now.
I really don't have the time or the energy to deal with my mood swings right now.
Day 57
See, I said I'd try to start posting more regularly =)
Anyway, I haven't had a chance to work out today but I'm hoping to get a chance to get that done. This weeks goal is really to focus on my mid section so that the dress looks really good this weekend. I'm drinking tons of water and using lemon juice as a diuretic to help some of the bloating. I'm on my 2nd period this cycle so I've been ridiculously bloated. Hopefully getting rid of some of the water weight will help the dress fit better around my midsection. I'm hoping that I won't have to wear a corset with the dress. I really don't want to cause they're so uncomfortable and constricting, but if I have to I have to.
The only down side to this brilliant plan is that I have to pee all the time =P
On that note, I gotta go pee and write my paper
Anyway, I haven't had a chance to work out today but I'm hoping to get a chance to get that done. This weeks goal is really to focus on my mid section so that the dress looks really good this weekend. I'm drinking tons of water and using lemon juice as a diuretic to help some of the bloating. I'm on my 2nd period this cycle so I've been ridiculously bloated. Hopefully getting rid of some of the water weight will help the dress fit better around my midsection. I'm hoping that I won't have to wear a corset with the dress. I really don't want to cause they're so uncomfortable and constricting, but if I have to I have to.
The only down side to this brilliant plan is that I have to pee all the time =P
On that note, I gotta go pee and write my paper
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Day 56
My boyfriend Ryan reminded me that I haven't updated in a really long time. It's been a pretty up and down week again, but things are starting to look up again. The depression was really bad on Thursday, but that was my own fault for not taking my welbutrin.
One paper and one exam to go. After Thursday I'll be all done and can take a break until June. I'm excited. As I told Ryan last night, i really haven't been trying to lose weight. I've been mainly focusing on not gaining which has been going surprisingly well. I haven't gained any weight which is a miracle =) I need to lose weight but I have so much stuff to worry about right now that it's kind of low on the list, ya know? I'm eating generally well and I'm exercising when I get the chance, but I don't have the time or energy to stress out about this.
We recently got some bad news about my step aunt (grandfathers new wife's daughter) as well as my uncle (dad's youngest brother). I'm not super close to either of them, but I'm close enough for it to be rough, if that makes any sense. I think it's hardest to watch dad struggle with his brother's condition. It's so sad when he gets upset =(
Anyway, I'll try and do better on updating this week!
One paper and one exam to go. After Thursday I'll be all done and can take a break until June. I'm excited. As I told Ryan last night, i really haven't been trying to lose weight. I've been mainly focusing on not gaining which has been going surprisingly well. I haven't gained any weight which is a miracle =) I need to lose weight but I have so much stuff to worry about right now that it's kind of low on the list, ya know? I'm eating generally well and I'm exercising when I get the chance, but I don't have the time or energy to stress out about this.
We recently got some bad news about my step aunt (grandfathers new wife's daughter) as well as my uncle (dad's youngest brother). I'm not super close to either of them, but I'm close enough for it to be rough, if that makes any sense. I think it's hardest to watch dad struggle with his brother's condition. It's so sad when he gets upset =(
Anyway, I'll try and do better on updating this week!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Day 50
Sorry I didn't update this weekend, it was kind of busy and emotionally up and down.
The metformin has been making sick a lot lately, and that's been stressing me out. I need to call the OBGYN and make an appointment but I don't really want to. I don't want to have to make the choice between not being sick or losing weight....it doesn't really seem fair to me, but it's life I suppose. Hopefully my stomach will settle down and things will get better now that school is over (Praise the Lord!!) I have 1 final in 1 1/2 weeks and 1 paper due next week (but its a garunteed A).
Didn't do bad on my diet, but I've been slacking on exercising so I haven't lost weight either. I'm taking a break from pretty much everything today, but tomorrow I'm going to start everything up again. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I'm looking forward to seeing results. I'm just praying that i do see results by the next weigh in. I could really use some encouragement!!
Anyway, I'm going to go grab some lunch and go to my final class of the semester, WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!
The metformin has been making sick a lot lately, and that's been stressing me out. I need to call the OBGYN and make an appointment but I don't really want to. I don't want to have to make the choice between not being sick or losing weight....it doesn't really seem fair to me, but it's life I suppose. Hopefully my stomach will settle down and things will get better now that school is over (Praise the Lord!!) I have 1 final in 1 1/2 weeks and 1 paper due next week (but its a garunteed A).
Didn't do bad on my diet, but I've been slacking on exercising so I haven't lost weight either. I'm taking a break from pretty much everything today, but tomorrow I'm going to start everything up again. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I'm looking forward to seeing results. I'm just praying that i do see results by the next weigh in. I could really use some encouragement!!
Anyway, I'm going to go grab some lunch and go to my final class of the semester, WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Day 47
Well last night was awful.... Apparently I suck at functioning on little sleep =P I actually did alright until the evening. I was exhausted and stressed all day but i managed. Last night, however, everything went to hell. When I get to a certain point I just get too tired to fight off negative thoughts. i've been doing a lot better lately, but that's because i've had enough sleep and have been taking all of my supplements. Last night I was just exhausted....and thus the negative thoughts started up again. I just felt like a hideous cow, I forgot how much that hurts. I felt huge and kept going over every part of me that I didn't like. It got to be a surprisingly long list.
There was a lot of praying last night. A lot of praying for God to help me feel beautiful today. I know that I'm a creation of God and was made beautiful....I know that, but I don't feel it. I prayed that he would use those that I'm close to to help me see that I'm beautiful and that he would help me change the way I view myself.
On a bright note, i'm back down to where I was before last weekend...yay? Haha I don't know, I'm just so tired and stressed out. Meh....
I'll update when I'm feeling better.
There was a lot of praying last night. A lot of praying for God to help me feel beautiful today. I know that I'm a creation of God and was made beautiful....I know that, but I don't feel it. I prayed that he would use those that I'm close to to help me see that I'm beautiful and that he would help me change the way I view myself.
On a bright note, i'm back down to where I was before last weekend...yay? Haha I don't know, I'm just so tired and stressed out. Meh....
I'll update when I'm feeling better.
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