This has nothing to do with losing weight in any way, shape, or form but I just need to rant. So I just took my astronomy exam and it SUCKED!! He gave us a review which I completed and memorized and all that fun stuff and then I get on the exam and there are questions over things that I have never heard of! Not in the books or the notes....why would you test over something that you hadn't taught? I don't know, it doesn't make much sense to me. Ryan keeps telling me that it'll be alright because even though my grade is low it's probably higher than a lot of other people's. That's probably true, but still....I had a 4.0 at my past school and I have a 3.5 at this one....32 and 59 are not acceptable grades!!!! *ahem*
Anyway cause of all the stress and running around like a chicken with my head cut off I haven't exactly eaten lunch...unless 1/2 of a glucerna bar counts as lunch. I'll just make sure to have a decent sized dinner and I should be fine. I'm so shaky though!! I wasn't sure I was going to be able to fill in the bubbles on the scantron.
But it's over and now I can go home, go to my community college course, and then sleep!!! I'm planning on going to bed around 8 tonight!! It's going to be AMAZING!! haha I can't wait.
Next week I gotta get back to working out. I've taken some time off from it (in my opinion, I had good reason) and now I gotta get back to it. I can't go too long without exercising or I'll get out of the habit of working out. Maybe I'll start tomorrow, I don't really know what tomorrow holds so we'll see. I feel like I've lost a bit more weight, so hopefully I'll be back down to where I was and God willing, maybe lose a pound or two.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Day 45
For better or worse I decided to weigh this morning. I'm back down to 187.something, which is 2 pounds down and only one more than I was last week. I'm pretty happy with that =) I would really like to be down to 186.0 by Sunday but I'm not sure if that's a realistic goal. The overall goal is to be 185 or less by Laurel's wedding, which is in 3 weeks I believe. So that's 2 pounds in 3 weeks, should be easy enough. The dress I bought for the wedding fit very well, but it was a bit tight around the midsection, so I'm hoping this helps with that.
I really need to start working out again, but honestly I think I'm going to wait until next week to start that back up again. I realize that that might not be the best idea, but I'm so damn busy this week!! I realize saying that I'm going to study all day seems like an over dramatization, but literally that's what I'm doing today. Studying for astronomy, going to class, studying for psychology, studying some more for astronomy. I have 90 minutes before I have to start that. So 90 minutes to eat, shower, get dressed, and all that fun stuff.
Anywho, I'll start updating about real weightloss stuff once all of the insanity of school is over, I promise!!
I really need to start working out again, but honestly I think I'm going to wait until next week to start that back up again. I realize that that might not be the best idea, but I'm so damn busy this week!! I realize saying that I'm going to study all day seems like an over dramatization, but literally that's what I'm doing today. Studying for astronomy, going to class, studying for psychology, studying some more for astronomy. I have 90 minutes before I have to start that. So 90 minutes to eat, shower, get dressed, and all that fun stuff.
Anywho, I'll start updating about real weightloss stuff once all of the insanity of school is over, I promise!!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Day 44
Well today was a total and complete waste of time, but it was kind of nice. Just ran some errands and updated my calendar and stuff. It was a very stress free day =) Because of all the rain and stuff 2/3 of my normal classes got canceled as well as my community college class.
Surprisingly, I'm doing alright on my diet. I haven't kept close tabs on it but I would guess about 1200 calories today. I may start to feel a little light headed later on, but that's why I'm going to bed early =P I put on my "skinny" jeans today and I was actually surprised at how well they fit. I know I gained 3 pounds over the weekend, but it's either not in my stomach area (which I find VERY hard to believe) or the healthy eating and lots of water has flushed most of it out of my system. I kind of want to weigh tomorrow just to see, but I'm scared that if I do and I haven't lost weight it might start a bit of a spiral. We'll see how I feel about it in the morning
Only a week left and this will get a ton easier =)
Surprisingly, I'm doing alright on my diet. I haven't kept close tabs on it but I would guess about 1200 calories today. I may start to feel a little light headed later on, but that's why I'm going to bed early =P I put on my "skinny" jeans today and I was actually surprised at how well they fit. I know I gained 3 pounds over the weekend, but it's either not in my stomach area (which I find VERY hard to believe) or the healthy eating and lots of water has flushed most of it out of my system. I kind of want to weigh tomorrow just to see, but I'm scared that if I do and I haven't lost weight it might start a bit of a spiral. We'll see how I feel about it in the morning
Only a week left and this will get a ton easier =)
Monday, April 27, 2009
Day 43
Well the weekend was fun but I managed to gain 3 pounds....which was really hard to deal with this morning. I talked myself down and I'm feeling better but man, really? 3 pounds?? Stupid PCOS!!!
I just keep telling myself that I'm still 10 or so pounds lighter than I was when I started this so though its a set back, its not like its ruined everything I've worked for. I can still fit in my skinny jeans and wear things from high school. I've just got to work really hard in the next few weeks to get myself back on track. I think the new goal is 185 by the wedding which is 3 (4?) weeks away. 5 pounds in that time seems reasonable, especially if I work out everyday and eat right.
This is my last week of classes so I'm kind of excited to have time to exercise. It'll be easier to work out and focus on dieting when I'm not so stressed about stuff. It's going to be a rough week as far as stress goes, but once its over it should get a ton better.
Though I am by no means happy, I'm kind of proud of myself for having a more logical mindset. I don't know how much of that is the anti-depressants or how much of that is just maturing but if this had happened even a few months ago I probably would have quit.
Anyway, I need to get to class. I'll update again either tonight or tomorrow with today's progress.
I just keep telling myself that I'm still 10 or so pounds lighter than I was when I started this so though its a set back, its not like its ruined everything I've worked for. I can still fit in my skinny jeans and wear things from high school. I've just got to work really hard in the next few weeks to get myself back on track. I think the new goal is 185 by the wedding which is 3 (4?) weeks away. 5 pounds in that time seems reasonable, especially if I work out everyday and eat right.
This is my last week of classes so I'm kind of excited to have time to exercise. It'll be easier to work out and focus on dieting when I'm not so stressed about stuff. It's going to be a rough week as far as stress goes, but once its over it should get a ton better.
Though I am by no means happy, I'm kind of proud of myself for having a more logical mindset. I don't know how much of that is the anti-depressants or how much of that is just maturing but if this had happened even a few months ago I probably would have quit.
Anyway, I need to get to class. I'll update again either tonight or tomorrow with today's progress.
Friday, April 24, 2009
day 40
Well today is day 40 and I have done horribly today. I kind of switch between not caring and freaking out. I don't know, I knew that this weekend would be hard, I just didn't expect it to start off so rough! Right now I don't much care, I just feel sick!! I have a feeling that the not caring is just a defense, cause if I cared about what I ate today, I'd be so mad at myself.
I just keep hoping that something will click with me and this will suddenly make sense and not be so hard. It shouldn't be, should it? I mean all I have to do is eat healthy. In theory that's not that hard!
Meh, I think I need a nap! Ill update when we get to dallas and I have a computer instead of a blackberry.
I just keep hoping that something will click with me and this will suddenly make sense and not be so hard. It shouldn't be, should it? I mean all I have to do is eat healthy. In theory that's not that hard!
Meh, I think I need a nap! Ill update when we get to dallas and I have a computer instead of a blackberry.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Day 39...again
Yeah I know, 3 posts in one day....but it's been a crazy up and down kind of day. I was super stressed tonight but I had promised my old drama teacher that I'd come to her opening night. I'm so glad I did =) Jared and Alan were there and we stayed 2 hours after the show just catching up and telling ridiculous stories. I haven't laughed that hard in forever!! It was really nice.
As is typical of me, however, after that high I hit a pretty deep low which I am currently in the process of getting out of. I ate at Whataburger tonight because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours and it was on the way home. You know, I don't even feel guilty about that....what's bugging me is that it feels like it's just not going to happen. I look at me 10 pounds lighter and the idea of losing another 20 or so is so daunting!! As much as I want to get there, I'd be lying if I said that I truly believe that I will. I'm just not skinny and I never will be. And maybe I could learn to be ok with that but I'm not sure those who are close to me could. I really don't think its cause they think i'm ugly or unattractive or whatever; I honestly believe it's because they want me to be happy and healthy but still.... what if i'm happy looking the way I am?
I don't know if that's true, I don't know if I'm happy with it, but I'm getting sick of trying to change me. This constant scrutiny that I have myself under is driving me insane. No wonder all of my diets have failed, I drive myself to the point of exhaustion and then crash. I just keep looking at my stomach and my thighs and the way my jeans fit and the way i look in my new dress and blah blah blah and it's driving me crazy. i'm not perfect and I never will be...so why do I keep trying to be.
I'm sure I've contradicted myself several times in this bt I'm just so frustrated. I have all these thoughts and feelings and I don't know how to verbalize them or make any sense of them. Thus all of the posts recently. I keep hoping that if I just ramble enough, it'll all start to make sense. Well on that note, I think its time to take some Advil PM and knock myself out!!
As is typical of me, however, after that high I hit a pretty deep low which I am currently in the process of getting out of. I ate at Whataburger tonight because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours and it was on the way home. You know, I don't even feel guilty about that....what's bugging me is that it feels like it's just not going to happen. I look at me 10 pounds lighter and the idea of losing another 20 or so is so daunting!! As much as I want to get there, I'd be lying if I said that I truly believe that I will. I'm just not skinny and I never will be. And maybe I could learn to be ok with that but I'm not sure those who are close to me could. I really don't think its cause they think i'm ugly or unattractive or whatever; I honestly believe it's because they want me to be happy and healthy but still.... what if i'm happy looking the way I am?
I don't know if that's true, I don't know if I'm happy with it, but I'm getting sick of trying to change me. This constant scrutiny that I have myself under is driving me insane. No wonder all of my diets have failed, I drive myself to the point of exhaustion and then crash. I just keep looking at my stomach and my thighs and the way my jeans fit and the way i look in my new dress and blah blah blah and it's driving me crazy. i'm not perfect and I never will be...so why do I keep trying to be.
I'm sure I've contradicted myself several times in this bt I'm just so frustrated. I have all these thoughts and feelings and I don't know how to verbalize them or make any sense of them. Thus all of the posts recently. I keep hoping that if I just ramble enough, it'll all start to make sense. Well on that note, I think its time to take some Advil PM and knock myself out!!
Day 39 cn't
Well I'm at school and bored out of my mind so I fgured I should post something slightly more coherent than this morning. I texted with Ryan a few times this morning and that calmed me down a bit. Overall I'm actually feeling much better. Ended up skipping my first class because I was too late to go to it. So I sat outside and ate a delicious bagle =) I swear those bagles make everything better!!!
I think i'm just stressed out and I'm letting this get to me a lot more than it should. I just wish I could see results!! That would make a world of differnce. As I told Ryan last night, I really want someone to notice. I want some friend or family member to be like "have you lost weight?". i feel like I've worked my ass off and done fairly well all things considered...but its just not that physically obvious. I know that this shouldn't be about size or what other people think....but sometimes health really isn't that great of a motivator. (i know it should be!) Hopefully if I keep up with it, someone will be able to tell a difference soon.
Anyway, I'm kind of nervous about my diet this weekend. Going out of town is always hard! I'm praying because Ryan's with me it'll be easier. He tends to get fairly healthy things so I don't feel so bad when I'm eating a salad and everyone else is eating a hamburger. I'm sure that's not why he does it, but it means a lot that he does, regardless of reason. Hopefully it'll work out, and hopefully i don't screw things up this weekend. There's a gym in the hotel we're staying at (I use the term gym losely...there's a treadmill =P) so I'm going to try to work out a bit this weekend. That'd be good =) I hate working out, but it might make the weekend easier on me.
I suppose that's about it. Only 2 more weeks and I think I'll be ok =) I'll actually have time to exercise on a regular basis and I should be able to eat better. Mom should be off in the next month or so so we're going to walk in the monring. That'll make things easier too. I'm hoping that I can manage a size 10 by early june....that would be AMAZING!!!!! I'm praying that i can be good enough (and that my body will be nice enough) to make that happen.
Well off to the computer lab I suppose....to be productive....ewwww
I think i'm just stressed out and I'm letting this get to me a lot more than it should. I just wish I could see results!! That would make a world of differnce. As I told Ryan last night, I really want someone to notice. I want some friend or family member to be like "have you lost weight?". i feel like I've worked my ass off and done fairly well all things considered...but its just not that physically obvious. I know that this shouldn't be about size or what other people think....but sometimes health really isn't that great of a motivator. (i know it should be!) Hopefully if I keep up with it, someone will be able to tell a difference soon.
Anyway, I'm kind of nervous about my diet this weekend. Going out of town is always hard! I'm praying because Ryan's with me it'll be easier. He tends to get fairly healthy things so I don't feel so bad when I'm eating a salad and everyone else is eating a hamburger. I'm sure that's not why he does it, but it means a lot that he does, regardless of reason. Hopefully it'll work out, and hopefully i don't screw things up this weekend. There's a gym in the hotel we're staying at (I use the term gym losely...there's a treadmill =P) so I'm going to try to work out a bit this weekend. That'd be good =) I hate working out, but it might make the weekend easier on me.
I suppose that's about it. Only 2 more weeks and I think I'll be ok =) I'll actually have time to exercise on a regular basis and I should be able to eat better. Mom should be off in the next month or so so we're going to walk in the monring. That'll make things easier too. I'm hoping that I can manage a size 10 by early june....that would be AMAZING!!!!! I'm praying that i can be good enough (and that my body will be nice enough) to make that happen.
Well off to the computer lab I suppose....to be productive....ewwww
Day 39
Sorry I haven't updated in a while, the wireless at the house has been really weird lately and I've not done so well with things so the motivation to update hasn't been there either.
My diet sucked yesterday, I ate the right calorie amount, but NOT in the right food. That probably explains the gain of a pound this morning. That or the fact that I'm on the heaviest period EVER!!!!! Ok so maybe not ever, but it feels like it! I kind of hate being female this morning.
Anyway, I'm super frustrated with all of this right now. School, diet, exercise, my extreme lack of friends, etc. I kind of feel like a beaten down horse, ya know? I'm not sue what's wrong with me... I'm probably just tired. I just feel like it's all kind of pointless. Luckily I have a weird guilt complex so I won't stop dieting/exercising cause I don't want to disappoint people. I know that's not the right reason to do this, but hopefully it'll get me past whatever this funk is.
Meh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know it'll get better, I'm just tired and bloated and cramping and it's hard to be super happy when you feel like that. Anyway, I'm sure I'll have a more optimistic outlook later today or tomorrow. I gotta go get ready for class. only 3 classes left, woohoo!!!!! haha I think school being over will make a lot of things better =)
My diet sucked yesterday, I ate the right calorie amount, but NOT in the right food. That probably explains the gain of a pound this morning. That or the fact that I'm on the heaviest period EVER!!!!! Ok so maybe not ever, but it feels like it! I kind of hate being female this morning.
Anyway, I'm super frustrated with all of this right now. School, diet, exercise, my extreme lack of friends, etc. I kind of feel like a beaten down horse, ya know? I'm not sue what's wrong with me... I'm probably just tired. I just feel like it's all kind of pointless. Luckily I have a weird guilt complex so I won't stop dieting/exercising cause I don't want to disappoint people. I know that's not the right reason to do this, but hopefully it'll get me past whatever this funk is.
Meh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know it'll get better, I'm just tired and bloated and cramping and it's hard to be super happy when you feel like that. Anyway, I'm sure I'll have a more optimistic outlook later today or tomorrow. I gotta go get ready for class. only 3 classes left, woohoo!!!!! haha I think school being over will make a lot of things better =)
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Day 35
I've been avoiding updating again. I got kind of lazy/fed up this weekend and didn't do so well on my diet. Amazingly I still lost a pound =) Don't have a clue in hell how that happened, but we'll take it. I'm hoping I may even be down to 195 by next weekend (at ~186.4 today). I have the dress that I'm wearing to the wedding hanging in my room so that I have to look at it every morning when I get up. So far it's been a bit helpful =) hopefully the motivation keeps up!!
The metformin has been making me sick again, and I don't know why. It hasn't been bad until today, but the fajita meat was a little greasy so I'm sure that's why. Trying to be optimistic so...its a good jumpstart to this weeks weightloss goal?
On a bright note, I went out and bought size 12 jeans =) I owned a pair of 12's but they never fit right and they were usually too tight to get into. But today I bought a 12 which made me feel better. I tried on a 14 and it swallowed me, which was really encouraging. Who knows, maybe next month I'll be down to a 10?? I've never worn a ten, ever. I went from kids to 12/14 adults...I was a big kid. I'm really excited to buy that first pair of size 10 jeans! Maybe by June..? We'll see
Anyway, I should go be productive but I'll try to do a better job updating this week.
The metformin has been making me sick again, and I don't know why. It hasn't been bad until today, but the fajita meat was a little greasy so I'm sure that's why. Trying to be optimistic so...its a good jumpstart to this weeks weightloss goal?
On a bright note, I went out and bought size 12 jeans =) I owned a pair of 12's but they never fit right and they were usually too tight to get into. But today I bought a 12 which made me feel better. I tried on a 14 and it swallowed me, which was really encouraging. Who knows, maybe next month I'll be down to a 10?? I've never worn a ten, ever. I went from kids to 12/14 adults...I was a big kid. I'm really excited to buy that first pair of size 10 jeans! Maybe by June..? We'll see
Anyway, I should go be productive but I'll try to do a better job updating this week.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Day 31
Today started out kind of rough but ended up alright. I was just feeling so unmotivated to work out this morning, probably residual feelings from last night. After some encouraging texts from Ryan and some thinking, I'm starting to get my motivation back. I still haven't worked out today but I'm about to leave to go to Ryan's and we're going to walk.
Along with that lack of motivation came a sense of....i dunno really. I didn't feel ugly, I think I just felt like I wasn't sexy. I'm still feeling a little down about that, but I took a long shower, shaved (first time in a loooong time =P damn these long legs! takes so long to shave!) , and got all dressed up to go see Ryan...yes I got all dressed up to go work out. I'm bringing sweats and tennis shoes no worries =) I'm feeling generally better about myself anyway.
I had an interesting occurrence today, that is probably normal for most people but I'm weird. Once I got all dressed and makeuped and all that fun stuff I felt pretty. I looked in the mirror and thought "I look pretty" I can't even remember the last time that happened...suffice it to say it's been a really long time.
Anyway, hopefully our walk tonight will encourage me to keep working out =) I may or may not update tomorrow. Ryan and I have tickets to the Nickleback concert so I have a feeling it will be a fairly late night
Along with that lack of motivation came a sense of....i dunno really. I didn't feel ugly, I think I just felt like I wasn't sexy. I'm still feeling a little down about that, but I took a long shower, shaved (first time in a loooong time =P damn these long legs! takes so long to shave!) , and got all dressed up to go see Ryan...yes I got all dressed up to go work out. I'm bringing sweats and tennis shoes no worries =) I'm feeling generally better about myself anyway.
I had an interesting occurrence today, that is probably normal for most people but I'm weird. Once I got all dressed and makeuped and all that fun stuff I felt pretty. I looked in the mirror and thought "I look pretty" I can't even remember the last time that happened...suffice it to say it's been a really long time.
Anyway, hopefully our walk tonight will encourage me to keep working out =) I may or may not update tomorrow. Ryan and I have tickets to the Nickleback concert so I have a feeling it will be a fairly late night
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Day 30
Well I'm 30 days into it and very discouraged. I haven't lost much weight, I have no incentive to do anything, I have no motivation. My diet's been textbook perfect but I haven't been working out so I haven't lost a single pound in two weeks....it sucks you know? Normal people can diet and lose weight. I mean sure exercise helps everyone, but I've known plenty of people who have lost a decent amount of weight by diet alone. Not me, not with PCOS. I eat what I'm supposed to, when I'm supposed to, I take my supplements and it gets me nowhere. I know that the obvious answer is exercise but it just seems so futile right now (yes I know i'm being overdramatic). There's that part of me that says that I can't do this for the rest of my life just to maintain a healthy weight. I just can't.
I tried just not eating as much today, but by the time classes were done I was so shaky I could barely walk to my car. Today I had a handful of cereal to take my meds with, a bagle, protein bar, and 1/2 of a ham snadwich. You would think that would be enough for me to lose weight.
I'm just having a really hard time not going back to where I was. The diet has brought up a lot of old feelings that I haven't ever dealt with. In a way its good because I'm finally facing my demons, but why did it have to come now? I'm so stressed with school, and personal stuff, and everybody elses crap that I really don't have time to deal with weight issues right now.
I just want to give up, but I know I won't start again if I do. I also know that I'll be a disapointment to people if I quit. I don't know....I thought the anti-depressants were supposed to help this kind of thing.
I just need encouragment
I tried just not eating as much today, but by the time classes were done I was so shaky I could barely walk to my car. Today I had a handful of cereal to take my meds with, a bagle, protein bar, and 1/2 of a ham snadwich. You would think that would be enough for me to lose weight.
I'm just having a really hard time not going back to where I was. The diet has brought up a lot of old feelings that I haven't ever dealt with. In a way its good because I'm finally facing my demons, but why did it have to come now? I'm so stressed with school, and personal stuff, and everybody elses crap that I really don't have time to deal with weight issues right now.
I just want to give up, but I know I won't start again if I do. I also know that I'll be a disapointment to people if I quit. I don't know....I thought the anti-depressants were supposed to help this kind of thing.
I just need encouragment
Monday, April 13, 2009
Day 29
Last week wasn't that big of a success on either the diet or the exercise front. I didn't lose any weight, but I didn't gain any either so that's good. I'm actually ok with that. I needed a break to focus on all of the school stuff that I had to get done. It almost got to the point where it was either get on the treadmill or fail the assignment. I don't really feel like I had the time to exercise last week. I'm sure I'm probably just making excuses for myself....but anyway, this is a new week.
I still have lots of stuff to do but I made my master list of what all needed to get done before the end of the semester and it's long but manageable. In that list is at least an hour of exercise everyday. I get made fun of for having to schedule it in, but if I don't then it probably won't get done.
All of that being said, this weekend had some really good up and one or two not so good downs. On the down side, I didn't lose any weight which, though I'm ok with it now, was pretty disappointing. I also failed my astronomy exam so i have a D in the class. Both of those are stressing me out a bit, but i'm trying not to think about it. On the bright side, it was a nice weekend with Ryan, his parents, and my parents. I also found a dress for Ryan's sister's wedding. It's damn sexy if I do say so myself =P It fits really well, but it will fit better if I can get another 5 pounds off before the wedding. I also found a dress that I had no need for whatsoever....but it's gorgeous so i bought it =P I'm thinking Ryan and I might do something for our 2 year anniversary, and if we do it'd be perfect for that.
This weeks goals are to focus on my arms (in addition to cardio) because both of the dresses are strapless, and to drink a ton of water. I feel like I need to flush some stuff out of my system, and hopefully that'll help kind of give a second jumpstart to my weight loss.
Anyway, I have spent way too much time babbleing and not nearly enough time working away at my list.
I still have lots of stuff to do but I made my master list of what all needed to get done before the end of the semester and it's long but manageable. In that list is at least an hour of exercise everyday. I get made fun of for having to schedule it in, but if I don't then it probably won't get done.
All of that being said, this weekend had some really good up and one or two not so good downs. On the down side, I didn't lose any weight which, though I'm ok with it now, was pretty disappointing. I also failed my astronomy exam so i have a D in the class. Both of those are stressing me out a bit, but i'm trying not to think about it. On the bright side, it was a nice weekend with Ryan, his parents, and my parents. I also found a dress for Ryan's sister's wedding. It's damn sexy if I do say so myself =P It fits really well, but it will fit better if I can get another 5 pounds off before the wedding. I also found a dress that I had no need for whatsoever....but it's gorgeous so i bought it =P I'm thinking Ryan and I might do something for our 2 year anniversary, and if we do it'd be perfect for that.
This weeks goals are to focus on my arms (in addition to cardio) because both of the dresses are strapless, and to drink a ton of water. I feel like I need to flush some stuff out of my system, and hopefully that'll help kind of give a second jumpstart to my weight loss.
Anyway, I have spent way too much time babbleing and not nearly enough time working away at my list.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Day 25
I've been avoiding updating this thing just because I haven't been in the best of moods lately. I guess all the stress has been getting to me (so i'm sure I haven't lost any weight), but i've been miserable these past couple of days.
Anyway, I haven't really had time to do much exercising, but my diet's been good. All I can really hope for is that I haven't gained. I don't feel like I have, but I'm also nervous because I've been slacking hardcore with the working out. Though I'm still very motivated to lose weight, I don't have the energy (and it rarely feels like I have the strength) to work out. I tried to come with reasons for this and I've come up with 2-
1) I've just recently lost a few friends (we just went different ways, they didn't die or anything) and it's been really hard on me, because that support system I've always had seems to be gone.
2) I'm on the second week of my period- day 10. It's taking a lot of my physical energy.
not that either of those are excuses I just feel the need to explain- more for me than anymore else really. Anyway, tomorrow's my follow up with the shrink. I don't really know what to tell her but we'll see. Right now I think i'm going to tell her that the anti-depressants are doing fine but that I'd like to add some anti-anxiety...but I change my mind about every 5 minutes or so, so we'll see.
Anyway, this is just rambling so i'm going to go do something productive. I'll update tomorrow when I figure out how the doctor's appointment went
Anyway, I haven't really had time to do much exercising, but my diet's been good. All I can really hope for is that I haven't gained. I don't feel like I have, but I'm also nervous because I've been slacking hardcore with the working out. Though I'm still very motivated to lose weight, I don't have the energy (and it rarely feels like I have the strength) to work out. I tried to come with reasons for this and I've come up with 2-
1) I've just recently lost a few friends (we just went different ways, they didn't die or anything) and it's been really hard on me, because that support system I've always had seems to be gone.
2) I'm on the second week of my period- day 10. It's taking a lot of my physical energy.
not that either of those are excuses I just feel the need to explain- more for me than anymore else really. Anyway, tomorrow's my follow up with the shrink. I don't really know what to tell her but we'll see. Right now I think i'm going to tell her that the anti-depressants are doing fine but that I'd like to add some anti-anxiety...but I change my mind about every 5 minutes or so, so we'll see.
Anyway, this is just rambling so i'm going to go do something productive. I'll update tomorrow when I figure out how the doctor's appointment went
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Day 21
Well I'm down to 187.4 which isn't really where I wanted to be but considering the lack of exercise and the stress and the Mexican food last night, I can't really complain. Actually I'm pretty happy. Ryan and I had a decent talk last night and it helped me to put things in perspective.
Paper is done =D Praise God!!!
Eating good so far today, got a bit sick with the met but that's probably because I didn't take it last night and it tends to screw me up if i skip a dose.
That's really about all I've got to say right now. Got to finish my review sheet for astronomy. I promise a better post tomorrow
Paper is done =D Praise God!!!
Eating good so far today, got a bit sick with the met but that's probably because I didn't take it last night and it tends to screw me up if i skip a dose.
That's really about all I've got to say right now. Got to finish my review sheet for astronomy. I promise a better post tomorrow
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Day 20 cnt'd
So I was really excited about how well I was doing and then we went out to eat...damn it!! I'm not sure how many calories I consumed but it was way more than I had set aside for dinner. Man, I'm just so frustrated with myself right now. I could have not gone or I could have just gotten a salad with no dressing or something ya know, but I didn't. I got quesadillas instead, and I ate a bunch of chips.
This is the first time I've screwed up on my diet since I've started which is impressive but scary...cause this is antoher one of those turning point things, ya know? I know I shouldn't give up cause it was just a one time thing but I can feel myself panicking and wanting to give up but I can't give up but I'm stressed and giving up sounds like the easy option right now and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *ahem* I've just worked so hard and I can't see that much of a difference and its like why am i even trying if its not making any difference. But then if it doesn't matter why do I feel so guilty for eating like i did and...meh.
I really just want to curl up and go to bed right now but its not an option and that sucks.
This is the first time I've screwed up on my diet since I've started which is impressive but scary...cause this is antoher one of those turning point things, ya know? I know I shouldn't give up cause it was just a one time thing but I can feel myself panicking and wanting to give up but I can't give up but I'm stressed and giving up sounds like the easy option right now and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *ahem* I've just worked so hard and I can't see that much of a difference and its like why am i even trying if its not making any difference. But then if it doesn't matter why do I feel so guilty for eating like i did and...meh.
I really just want to curl up and go to bed right now but its not an option and that sucks.
Day 20
Well long story short, I didn't go to the wedding shower. There was lots of drama but in the end all parties agreed that that's what was going to happen so I guess it's all good now? I don't know, but I don't imagine it could be too messed up =P Famous last words...
I'm 9 pages into my paper. It has be between 10 and 15, but I'm not sure I can finish everything I need to say in a page. I'm guessing 2-3 pages left though so I'm sure I can get it done tonight. That's such a relief!! That means I can give it to mom and Ryan to proof and hopefully tomorrow I can do my final edit, e-mail it, and study for astronomy =) I feel so much better about everything, though my stomach's still paying for all of the stress I've put it through these past few days.
Eating's been alright today. I'm actually kind of proud of myself. Dad decided that I should meet him at Whataburger after he left the range, and not really thinking I was like "sure!". Now you have to understand that I am a sucker for french fries and burgers but I ordered a grilled chicken sandwhich, plain and dry, and drank some water. Ended up being around 350 calories for the whole meal =) That could have killed my diet right there, but I did what I was supposed to and am pretty proud...though I have a strange sense of guilt for being proud of it (i'll come back to that later). Anyway, breakfast was 1/2 a mioplex bar (150), 1 clementine (35) and 1/2 cup of pasta (180) which seems like a really weird breakfast but I needed more than the bar and clementine to take my metformin with so pasta seemed like a nice, bland choice. So all in all, I'm doing pretty well today, I think. Not sure what we're doing for dinner, because dad's having a friend over and I'm sure we'll go out to eat. I still have between 500 and 800 calories left for a snack and for dinner.
Aright back to my sense of guilt. I was talking to the nutritionist yesterday about how much Ryan has helped me and how grateful I am for him and all of that. She agreed but she said something interesting- he has been a great help and i'm glad he's your support but give yourself credit. You're the one that gets on the treadmill everyday, you're the one that says no to the fast food, you're the one that is getting healthy. Not that Ryan hasn't been AMAZING through all of this, but it's kind of nice to think that I've done it so far, ya know? I was giving credit to everyone else, and granted much credit is due to many people, but its nice to be able to see that I deserve some credit to. The weird thing is though that I feel guilty for saying that. I feel guilty for being proud of myself for losing the weight and I feel guilty for giving myself credit. I don't really know why that is or where it comes from but it's been interesting to contemplate all of that. I think i've come to the general conclusion that though I don't understand it, it's good that i've come to an understanding that feeling guilty for my accomplishments is dumb. =)
Haha, I think these blog posts keep getting longer and more filled with random tangents but it is nice to have a place to vent (even it does lead to long run-on sentences). Back to the paper, I'll update tomorrow with paper update, tonight's dinner update, and hopefully some brilliant insight that I've had.
I'm 9 pages into my paper. It has be between 10 and 15, but I'm not sure I can finish everything I need to say in a page. I'm guessing 2-3 pages left though so I'm sure I can get it done tonight. That's such a relief!! That means I can give it to mom and Ryan to proof and hopefully tomorrow I can do my final edit, e-mail it, and study for astronomy =) I feel so much better about everything, though my stomach's still paying for all of the stress I've put it through these past few days.
Eating's been alright today. I'm actually kind of proud of myself. Dad decided that I should meet him at Whataburger after he left the range, and not really thinking I was like "sure!". Now you have to understand that I am a sucker for french fries and burgers but I ordered a grilled chicken sandwhich, plain and dry, and drank some water. Ended up being around 350 calories for the whole meal =) That could have killed my diet right there, but I did what I was supposed to and am pretty proud...though I have a strange sense of guilt for being proud of it (i'll come back to that later). Anyway, breakfast was 1/2 a mioplex bar (150), 1 clementine (35) and 1/2 cup of pasta (180) which seems like a really weird breakfast but I needed more than the bar and clementine to take my metformin with so pasta seemed like a nice, bland choice. So all in all, I'm doing pretty well today, I think. Not sure what we're doing for dinner, because dad's having a friend over and I'm sure we'll go out to eat. I still have between 500 and 800 calories left for a snack and for dinner.
Aright back to my sense of guilt. I was talking to the nutritionist yesterday about how much Ryan has helped me and how grateful I am for him and all of that. She agreed but she said something interesting- he has been a great help and i'm glad he's your support but give yourself credit. You're the one that gets on the treadmill everyday, you're the one that says no to the fast food, you're the one that is getting healthy. Not that Ryan hasn't been AMAZING through all of this, but it's kind of nice to think that I've done it so far, ya know? I was giving credit to everyone else, and granted much credit is due to many people, but its nice to be able to see that I deserve some credit to. The weird thing is though that I feel guilty for saying that. I feel guilty for being proud of myself for losing the weight and I feel guilty for giving myself credit. I don't really know why that is or where it comes from but it's been interesting to contemplate all of that. I think i've come to the general conclusion that though I don't understand it, it's good that i've come to an understanding that feeling guilty for my accomplishments is dumb. =)
Haha, I think these blog posts keep getting longer and more filled with random tangents but it is nice to have a place to vent (even it does lead to long run-on sentences). Back to the paper, I'll update tomorrow with paper update, tonight's dinner update, and hopefully some brilliant insight that I've had.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Day 19
Ok, so I had my appointment and it went pretty well. She says I've lost 9 1/2 pounds which I don't quite agree with it but I'll go with it =) haha I think the difference is probably the last time she weighed me i was in jeans and I wore a dress today so the clothing probably weighed less this week. Regardless I'm losing weight!
Today's diet has been kind of weird. Had my normal breakfast, a bowl of cereal for lunch, ate 1/2 a myoplex bar on my way home from the appointment so I didn't pass out and Ryan's cooking tonight I think. Pasta and fish maybe? I don't know, he probably told me last night but I don't remember.
I got my psych assignment done, my government assignment done, picked up the cleaning, picked up the tailoring, bought vitamins and myoplex bars, and went to my appointment today. So much for working on my paper =( I was about to get started but then dad was like "come watch this" and so I watched a 48 minute video on why you shouldn't talk to police. It was pretty interesting, I just have soooo much to do. I'm hoping that I can get back home by 12 tomorrow so that I can work most of the day on my paper. Once I sit down and get to work on it I don't think it'll take that long...or at least that's what i'm telling myself to ward off the oncoming panic attack.
So that's the plan for tomorrow-Wedding shower at 10:30, out by 11:30, home by 12 (I'm praying that that can happen but I kind of doubt it...we'll see) and then lock myself away until that paper's finished. I'm really hoping to finish the paper tomorrow which leaves Sunday/Monday for astronomy and any nescessary paper edits.
Anywho, that's it for today. I'll update tomorrow, hopefully with good news on the paper!
Today's diet has been kind of weird. Had my normal breakfast, a bowl of cereal for lunch, ate 1/2 a myoplex bar on my way home from the appointment so I didn't pass out and Ryan's cooking tonight I think. Pasta and fish maybe? I don't know, he probably told me last night but I don't remember.
I got my psych assignment done, my government assignment done, picked up the cleaning, picked up the tailoring, bought vitamins and myoplex bars, and went to my appointment today. So much for working on my paper =( I was about to get started but then dad was like "come watch this" and so I watched a 48 minute video on why you shouldn't talk to police. It was pretty interesting, I just have soooo much to do. I'm hoping that I can get back home by 12 tomorrow so that I can work most of the day on my paper. Once I sit down and get to work on it I don't think it'll take that long...or at least that's what i'm telling myself to ward off the oncoming panic attack.
So that's the plan for tomorrow-Wedding shower at 10:30, out by 11:30, home by 12 (I'm praying that that can happen but I kind of doubt it...we'll see) and then lock myself away until that paper's finished. I'm really hoping to finish the paper tomorrow which leaves Sunday/Monday for astronomy and any nescessary paper edits.
Anywho, that's it for today. I'll update tomorrow, hopefully with good news on the paper!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Day 18
Today sucked!!! It sucked for many different reasons none of which i'm really in the mood to discuss.
Oddly enough my eating's been fine today. Cheerios, yogurt, and a clementine for breakfast and a 6" grilled chicken on wheat for lunch. Not sure what's for dinner yet, still waiting on everyone to get home.
Today I remembered that I go see the nutritionist tomorrow which is nerve wrecking (like I needed another stressor in my life). It should be ok, I mean i've lost weight so I can't see that she'd yell at me or anything. I'm actually hoping that it goe really well and that I get a new sense of motivation from her. Last time I went it really encouraged me to keep going so I'm hoping that this will continue that tradition.
I wish I wasn't so busy!! I know all I do is go to school but this weekend and early next week is going to be insane. I have a 12 page paper due Tuesday, a 3 page paper due Tuesday, an astronomy test on Tuesday, a homework assignment due Tuesday, and a meeting with an advisor on Tuesday so I need to get all of that information together. That may actually be it, but it feels like a lot more than that. The plan (as of now) is that tonight I'll finish up the homework assignment, 3 page paper, and make an astronomy review sheet. Tomorrow I'll work on my paper until noon, go to the nutritionist (I wish she wasn't an hour away!!), get back ~3 and work on my paper until 5 and than make dinner I suppose. Saturday I'll go to Ryan's sisters wedding shower, hoping to only stay for an hour or so but I don't know if that's an option yet, drive home, should get home around noon, and spend the rest of the day finishing off the paper and I'll review a bit for astronomy. Sunday I'll go to church, have lunch with Ryan and my parents, when Ryan leaves to study for his LSAT I'll edit my paper and study astronomy. Monday I'll make any last minute corrections on my paper and e-mail it to my prof, STUDY ASTRONOMY, and gather the materials for my meeting. Tuesday I'll turn in the 3 page paper, homework assignment, go to my meeting, and take the test. And then I might breathe
That was more for my sake than anyone elses, sorry about that. I just have a few big projects to do and I feel like I have absolutely no time to get everything done. Somewhere in there I'm supposed to do an hour a day of exercise....but they may not happen until Wednesday. I'm going to try but my grades are slightly more important than the treadmill right now. I'll definately stick with the strict diet but the exercise may be lacking some next week. I guess we'll just have to see. I'm praying tht God gives me a lot of insight on most of these assignments so that I can get them done in a timely manner so maybe I won't be as stressed out as I think I will.
On that note it's 5 o'clock and i need to get to it if I want to sleep tonight. I'll post tomorrow after the nutritionist appointment and report on how that went.
Oddly enough my eating's been fine today. Cheerios, yogurt, and a clementine for breakfast and a 6" grilled chicken on wheat for lunch. Not sure what's for dinner yet, still waiting on everyone to get home.
Today I remembered that I go see the nutritionist tomorrow which is nerve wrecking (like I needed another stressor in my life). It should be ok, I mean i've lost weight so I can't see that she'd yell at me or anything. I'm actually hoping that it goe really well and that I get a new sense of motivation from her. Last time I went it really encouraged me to keep going so I'm hoping that this will continue that tradition.
I wish I wasn't so busy!! I know all I do is go to school but this weekend and early next week is going to be insane. I have a 12 page paper due Tuesday, a 3 page paper due Tuesday, an astronomy test on Tuesday, a homework assignment due Tuesday, and a meeting with an advisor on Tuesday so I need to get all of that information together. That may actually be it, but it feels like a lot more than that. The plan (as of now) is that tonight I'll finish up the homework assignment, 3 page paper, and make an astronomy review sheet. Tomorrow I'll work on my paper until noon, go to the nutritionist (I wish she wasn't an hour away!!), get back ~3 and work on my paper until 5 and than make dinner I suppose. Saturday I'll go to Ryan's sisters wedding shower, hoping to only stay for an hour or so but I don't know if that's an option yet, drive home, should get home around noon, and spend the rest of the day finishing off the paper and I'll review a bit for astronomy. Sunday I'll go to church, have lunch with Ryan and my parents, when Ryan leaves to study for his LSAT I'll edit my paper and study astronomy. Monday I'll make any last minute corrections on my paper and e-mail it to my prof, STUDY ASTRONOMY, and gather the materials for my meeting. Tuesday I'll turn in the 3 page paper, homework assignment, go to my meeting, and take the test. And then I might breathe
That was more for my sake than anyone elses, sorry about that. I just have a few big projects to do and I feel like I have absolutely no time to get everything done. Somewhere in there I'm supposed to do an hour a day of exercise....but they may not happen until Wednesday. I'm going to try but my grades are slightly more important than the treadmill right now. I'll definately stick with the strict diet but the exercise may be lacking some next week. I guess we'll just have to see. I'm praying tht God gives me a lot of insight on most of these assignments so that I can get them done in a timely manner so maybe I won't be as stressed out as I think I will.
On that note it's 5 o'clock and i need to get to it if I want to sleep tonight. I'll post tomorrow after the nutritionist appointment and report on how that went.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Day 17
Yesterday didn't go exactly as planned but I didn't overeat so I guess that's good? Ended up just eating a few ounces of cheese and some crackers for dinner. I didn't exercise either...but that was mostly cause I was too tired and too weak to do that. I also had a lot of school stuff to get done last night. I'm doing better today and I'm going on a walk with Ryan tonight so that should make up for yesterdays mistakes.
I'm still getting frustrated with all of this. I mean I'm doing fine, it's not that...i just wish I didn't have to. I'm sure this won't make sense with anyone who's at a normal weight, but I just get so mad at people who can eat whatever they want or at least at people who don't have to think about what they eat. It shouldn't be, but it's infuriating. As I told Ryan earlier today, food for me has been an addiction and, as with any addiction, it's difficult to watch people partake in whatever when you're banning yourself from it. I think if I can get through the next few weeks my body will readjust and I'll be fine, but right now I'm just so stressed and angry and frustrated. I'm really not sure what happens after four or five weeks cause the one time I did this well on a diet for this long, my grandfather died and all of that went to hell. I'm still praying that God will give me the strength and the wisdom to keep this up and the encouragement to not give up.
There are a million reasons for me to lose weight, I think I'm going to list some for my own benefit- I need the reminder
1) health reasons- it will help with the PCOS symptoms, help with the reflux, help with just general, overall stuf as well
2) make Ryan and my parents proud- I always have felt like I disappoint them when I start and give up (even though I don't know if that's true or not) so I really just want to be able to make them proud
3) self-confidence- I have a few things coming up that require pictures and dresses and things and I want to be able to walk into a room and, if people are looking at me, think that it's because they think i'm attractive instead of thinking that they think that I'm ugly or weird or whatever
There are probably more but those are the main 3 that come to mind right now. I just have to remember how much I need the above list and hopefully that will keep me motivated.
I'm still getting frustrated with all of this. I mean I'm doing fine, it's not that...i just wish I didn't have to. I'm sure this won't make sense with anyone who's at a normal weight, but I just get so mad at people who can eat whatever they want or at least at people who don't have to think about what they eat. It shouldn't be, but it's infuriating. As I told Ryan earlier today, food for me has been an addiction and, as with any addiction, it's difficult to watch people partake in whatever when you're banning yourself from it. I think if I can get through the next few weeks my body will readjust and I'll be fine, but right now I'm just so stressed and angry and frustrated. I'm really not sure what happens after four or five weeks cause the one time I did this well on a diet for this long, my grandfather died and all of that went to hell. I'm still praying that God will give me the strength and the wisdom to keep this up and the encouragement to not give up.
There are a million reasons for me to lose weight, I think I'm going to list some for my own benefit- I need the reminder
1) health reasons- it will help with the PCOS symptoms, help with the reflux, help with just general, overall stuf as well
2) make Ryan and my parents proud- I always have felt like I disappoint them when I start and give up (even though I don't know if that's true or not) so I really just want to be able to make them proud
3) self-confidence- I have a few things coming up that require pictures and dresses and things and I want to be able to walk into a room and, if people are looking at me, think that it's because they think i'm attractive instead of thinking that they think that I'm ugly or weird or whatever
There are probably more but those are the main 3 that come to mind right now. I just have to remember how much I need the above list and hopefully that will keep me motivated.
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