Kristin's Weightloss Journey

Day 1

2011-01-31T21:05:00.004-06:00

B: 2 pieces canadian bacon, 1 sandwich thin, and some yogurt
L: turkey sandwich (turkey and a sandwich thin), apple
S: quaker rice cakes and roasted edamame
D: chicken tenders (shape.com recipe), 1/2 cup mashed potatoes, and green beans
S: 1' square of dark chocolate and a kiwi

exercise: 45 minutes on the exercise bike

waaaaay too tired to actually reflect on that. Maybe tomorrow...

Starting again

2011-01-30T18:22:00.002-06:00

Since the last post I've graduated college, started working, broke up with Ryan and gotten up to 200 pounds again. Some of that is great and some of it not so much (though I'm still working on which is which to be perfectly honest). I haven't decided what my exact plan of action is- general words as of now are "eat healthy and exercise" but you know how that goes. Maybe I'll join weight watchers again but I see the ADA/AHA diet going a bit better (ie free =P). I'm not getting my hopes up, I'm not going into this with any expectations. I need to lose the weight, and I need to lose it before I head to grad school. That being said, this is going to serve as my online food journal and exercise log.

Day 1

2009-12-29T13:07:00.002-06:00

Not that anyone reads this, so explaining why I've been absent from blogging for a while is kind of pointless...but here we go anyway =) I basically gave up. haha That's the short and sweet reason, but I'm back now, doing weightwatchers with my mamma! So far 11 pounds (give or take a few since I don't have the sheet in front of me) gone, ~25 more to go. When I was doing so well, blogging really helped keep me accountable, even if no one actually reads this, so I figured I'd start it up again.

Today- did 40 minutes on the Wii fit, worked up a sweat too!! Oh my goodness, that hula hoopin' will kill you! I'm hoping I can talk dad into a match of boxing tonight to get some more cardio in.

Meeting's tonight so I'll post later and go over how it went. I'm expecting to have lost a bit, though not a whole ton. Half a pound maybe? I'd be pretty happy with that =)

Anyway, I gotta go take a shower, here's the points/intake thus far.

B- 1 mini-bagel with cream cheese (2 points) and low acid OJ (2 points)
L- 2 oz ham (2 points) 1/4 c sweet potatoes (2 points) and a fudge bar (1 point)
D- (planned- chick-fil-a: 12 points)
E- 40 minutes of Wii Fit

Happy Birthday?

2009-09-16T07:38:00.003-05:00

(courtesy of http://www.thicksational.com/home/category/nancy-hayssen/)

Daily goal- get through today w/o crying, and try not to do too much damage at the restaurant tonight
Daily quote- "In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale." ~Stephen Phillips

Well today's the 21st birthday...and this is by far the most depressing birthday I think I've ever had. I feel old and mostly useless. I think I'm just bummed cause it doesn't seem like anyone remembered my birthday, and I don't get to see my boyfriend (which isn't his fault really), and I have to go out to eat and there's nothing healthy there at all and *grumble, grumble, grumble*

I'm sure it'll get better, but for now I have to go to work

Day 2

2009-09-15T06:04:00.003-05:00

(The cover of Crytal Renn's book)

Today's goals- treadmill and water again, and get through today without breaking down (seriously I just need to get through)

Today's quote- "Your past does not equal, nor does it dictate, your future."

DAY 1

2009-09-14T07:42:00.005-05:00

Daily Goals- Treadmill for at least 60 minutes, drink 64 oz of water
Daily Quote- "You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there."

Well here's to day 1, weighed in at 197 which isn't so bad considering the amount of fajitas, cake, ice cream, and tequila that were consumed this past weekend. Its still 32 pounds higher than I'd like to weigh, but we'll get there....just one day at a time. I'll post again tonight with my intake for the day. That's another thing I'm going to try to do so I can keep up with my caloric intake and such.

Anyway, off to start school work and get on the treadmill and do laundry...and basically attack my 30 item deep to-do list...yay =P

*edit*
B- cereal, milk, and an apple (approx 185 Cal)
L- myoplex bar (approx 350 Cal)
D- turkey, peach, and a small salad with fat free dressing (no idea....500?600?)

Treadmill for an hour, about 300 Calories burned

Tired as hell and the depression's hitting me really hard.

Honesty can be a painful thing

2009-09-13T20:02:00.002-05:00

So here I am again, fat and frustrated. I realize beating myself up won't do me a whole lot of good so I'll refrain as best as I can.

New plan....a pound a week (except for the last few weeks, I have those set to half a pound/week) gets me at 165 by my 3 year anniversary w/ Ryan (June 12). I know that's a long way off, but it gives me some allowance for Christmas and Thanksgiving and birthday's and such. I'm going to start doing daily updates again...which will consist of a daily goal(s), an inspirational picture, and a good quote or verse to get me through the day. This might be kind of rigid, but I think I need a ridiculously detailed plan right now. Workout every weekday, going to start out with treadmill and mild weights, may add in some pilates if I have the time.

Right now I'm just pissed off at myself for failing so many times. But tomorrow's a new day, so I'll update once all of this gets underway.

Pondering again

2009-09-09T20:03:00.002-05:00

Well I promised a real update, so here it goes:

I'm one of the most insecure people you'll ever meet. I rarely do something without second guessing myself, and when it comes to appearance....hahaha, yeah, no confidence whatsoever. There's probably a list of reasons a mile long from my childhood, but what I want to focus on is that perhaps this is simply a manifestation of other insecurities. Perhaps (and yes this is probably just a load of psycho babble) my fear of failure leads to my physical insecurities. I'm afraid of failing in so many different aspects, that perhaps the physical is the middle ground if you will. I fear that I'm not smart enough and that I'm not going to succeed in my career and that I'm going to push away people that I love. I fear all of those things, but they rarely paralyze me the way my physical insecurities do. This could mean several things, but I can't help but wonder if I need a direction for these insecurities. If I focused on all of these, I would drive myself insane. Maybe this was the most rational of the insecurities so it became a fixation? Growing up in the setting that I did, I learned at a young age that beauty was everything, so it's possible that that being a socially normative fear, that I clung to it. If any of that is true, than I need to work on all of my other insecurities to truly get over my body image issues.

Anyway, if I think too much more, I'm going to hurt myself. That may be complete bullshit but I think there's some truth under the bs =) G'night

Day 3...I think

2009-09-08T19:29:00.002-05:00

I had a lot to say, but now I'm just pissed cause I can't eat my own damn cake.

I'll update tomorrow, I promise! It'll be a real post and everything.

Another Epiphany

2009-09-07T21:42:00.002-05:00

So I was about to go to bed, lights out curled up in my comforter and it hits me...I equate the strangest things with beauty. Tonight I was feeling really stressed about money issues so I told myself I was ugly. The other day I was feeling inadequate about my GRE and I felt ugly. I had some difficulties with a specific recipe and I felt ugly. I didn't call myself dumb for not getting it, I didn't get frustrated at myself for getting distracted, I told myself that I was a fat cow.

I'm too tired to know what that means exactly but I know it's significant and I wanted to write it down before I forgot about it. Sometime tomorrow I'll comment on the why and how of the above statement, but for now I'm going to bed. G'night

Day 2

2009-09-07T17:16:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day, best I've had in a while actually. It was relaxing and enjoyable and overall just a very good day.

Diet's going alright, not nearly where I'd like it to be though. I have such a hard time getting started some days. Some days, though the mere thought makes me cringe, I think "fat camp" is a great idea cause you get shoved into being healthy and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Dieting here is difficult...you can be on the best diet in the world but that doesn't mean that there won't be birthday's with cake, celebration dinners, or late night cravings because you know the food is downstairs in the freezer. I guess I just need to learn self-control, and I know it'll come, but right now i'm still in a "comfort food mode". I'm slowly emerging from it though, by this time next week I should be fully committed and my birthday will be over =)

When I was struggling with the other end of eating (ie- not eating) I used to post "thinspirations". Basically, I found pictures of the most emaciated women on the planet and posted pictures of them as my goal. Looking back on that I realize that that was slightly masochistic. Anyway, I've decided to go with that same thought, but with healthy, beautiful women:If I understand this correctly, this is the same chick that I posted yesterday. I think she's gorgeous!! And I think that's an obtainable goal.

Anyway, much left to do today, so I'll get back to it.

Revelations over the past few days

2009-09-06T07:56:00.003-05:00

Well I'm back up to 194, surprise surprise!
I can't spend long updating this cause I need to get ready to go to church but I had 2 revelations last night and I feel like I need to post them before I forget them

1) I am a closet eater. I don't eat a whole log when I'm around other people or when I know that people will have a way of finding out what I've eaten. However if I know that noone will know, I will most likely eat. Especially if there's stress involved. It's a problem, one that I've been ignoring and now need to address.

2) I have got to get the "perfect body" out of my head, because I'm never going to look like that. Yes, I would love to be 6 foot and 120 pounds, but it's NEVER going to happen. That's not me being pessimistic, that's me knowing my body (besides I'm a little old to grow a few more inches!!). Having that body in my head used to be a motivation, but now it's a problem. Now when I picture that perfect body and I look at mine I just get disgusted and fed up. I've got to find a better image, one that doesn't look like an anorexic supermodel would be prefferable. Something like this:( picture from http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/360570-men-do-you-prefer-voluptuous-bbw-48.html)

She's not skinny, but she's gorgeous and healthy and that's my new goal. Skinny isn't going to happen, no matter how hard I try. I think that's part of why I've had such a hard time sticking to a plan. When you're aiming for an unrealistic goal, it's difficult to keep up momentum.

Anyway, I need to get to church, but I suppose today would be day 1...again.

New and Improved Plan....try 3

2009-08-03T09:30:00.001-05:00

M,W,F- Walk 60 Minutes/Weights for 10 Minutes
T,Th- Walk 45 Minutes/ Pilates for 20 minutes

8/3-192
8/10-190
8/17-188
8/24-187
9/7-185
9/14-184
9/21-183
9/28-182
10/5-181
10/12-180
10/19-179
10/26-178
11/2-177
11/9-176
11/16-174
11/23-174
11/30-173
12/6-172
12/14-171
12/21-170

Food:
~1500 Calories
Add fiber
64 OZ WATER!!!
Protein with all meals!

SHOPPING IN JANUARY =D

ponderings

2009-07-22T11:38:00.003-05:00

Well yesterday was.....bad, horrible, emotionally unstable, etc. Point being that it was a rough day. Had a bit of an emotional breakdown over something completely trivial (or at least it is to most people). The good news is that I really do think that it was the subject matter that made me break as opposed to my general state of being (if that makes any sense at all?). It did make me take a look at my meds and condition in general which was hard but probably a good thing. I think I still may try to get a change in meds, just to help alleviate the anxiety, but I'm not nearly as concerned as I was yesterday.

Today has been much better =) I got up and ate breakfast, did 3 miles on the treadmill, did some weights...though I couldn't do many of them cause I was so tight and sore!!. Though I HATE exercising, it's been good for me to get some of my stress out that way. I'm starting to feel human again and I think that's probably part of it =)

Anyway, there's the update

Pondering

2009-07-21T10:10:00.002-05:00

Last night was icky =P I decided to do my "Do You Think I'm Beautiful" Bible study...and it was about the physical stuff this time and it was hard and there were a lot of tears. For part of it we had to list 5 things we found beautiful about ourselves...and I couldn't. That was weird and hard to swallow for some reason. I guess I never really thought about it before, I dunno, it was just hard!!

It just brought up a lot of emotions that I typically chose to ignore (or at least attempt to ignore). I wasn't expecting it, that's all. Anyway, I'm feeling better this morning, just needed a bit of sleep I suppose.

I'm going to try and treadmill or walk or something today, I need to do something!! I'm still super sore from yesterday, but I need to push past it. I have a nutritionist appointment this Friday that I'm thinking about canceling, or at least moving. I'm too embarrassed to go!!! We'll see...

Anyway, overall less pissed and less stressed than I have been so yay?

It's so HOT!!

2009-07-20T11:32:00.003-05:00

I was REALLY pissed off this morning for a variety of reasons (seriously there were like 10 things I was ticked about this morning) so I went on a walk. Apparently I was quite angry when I left the house, cause I took off 1/3 of my time. Ended up doing a 45 minute walk around the neighborhood. I may do some weights or pilates later depending on how the rest of my day goes =P haha

Anyway, I'm going to go attempt to be productive!

Sleep is good!!

2009-07-15T22:30:00.002-05:00

Just took something to help me sleep so this post won't be long.

B- cereal and pineapple
L- 1/2 baked potatoe (mostly cheese and salt on it, little butter) and a cup of fruit
D- beef tips and rice and mixed vegies

Respectable, but w/o the exercise I don't know if it'll do any good. I weighted in at 187 today which is depressing but it could have been much worse

Depression was overall better today, until I had to drive home from Ryan's. I think it's the late night combined with being alone combined with being exhausted, but it hit hard tonight- thus the sleeping pill.

I'm going to do evrything in my power to make sure that i get some sleep tonight =) Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe I'll be able to feel pretty again

Sick...again

2009-07-14T18:54:00.002-05:00

My poor tummy!!

Today Bill came down to stay with us, so the healthy eating began.

Reduced fat coffee cake and a chai frap (no whip) on the way to the airport, 1/2 a PB&J (it was the icky, healthy peanut better) with 5 pineapple chunks for lunch, and dinner consisted of a cup of red beans and brown rice and 5 strawberries. Throughout the day, I probably had 10-20 cherries as snacks here and there.

Over all I did great, but I'm paying for it. I always view this period as a sort of detox, and I usually get sick, which I did today. Not bad, but my tummy's rebelling. A small part of me kind of likes the detox process, but most of me wants to shoot someone right now. =P If mom and I keep eating like Bill is we're going to look great come September.

I'm approaching round 3 cautiously. I really don't want to be a disappointment to myself, but I don't want to not try....so caution is a good thing I think.

I just want to feel beautiful. Is that so much to ask? I just want to feel beautiful!!

Ignore that

2009-07-14T07:12:00.001-05:00

Ignore the last post. I'm still not feeling all that great, but much better than last night. I guess sometimes we just need to break a little bit before we can get better.

I'll update more tonight, right now I have to get to the airport

Rant

2009-07-13T21:44:00.002-05:00

So I need to rant and vent and shit, please don't take this literally. I know 99.9% of these things aren't true or aren't as bad as I'm making them seem, but they're how Im feeling right now and if I don't get them out, then I won't be able to sleep and it'll be last night all over again:

I feel like a cow, a fat ugly cow. I don't feel like a cow because of anything in particular, I just do. I haven't exercised in a week I haven't eaten well in a week. I was doing so well. I got down to my lowest weight ever and what do i do? I go and fuck it up again. At this rate I'm never going to be down to a normal weight and that sucks!! I keep trying and I keep screwing myself over and I don't know how to deal with this!!!!!!!!!...and I just managed to wack myself in the head with my laptop....I'm just so mad at myself! Why the hell can't I have some self-control and restraint, why can't I be disiplined.

I hate myeslf right now and I probably don't mean that but I'm just so pissed off at myself because I can't do this one simple thing. This is not spposed to be that hard, but it is and I don't get it!

Anyway. I'm ging to go cry myself to sleep and pray to God that tomorrow is a million times better cause I can't have another day like this!!

A little better explanation

2009-07-10T06:15:00.002-05:00

Can't type much cause I have to leave in a few minute. I'm feeling...confused as hell. haha I'm just so frustrated with myself right now which makes me want to give up completely to relieve the frustration. But I know that's not an option, but even though I know that, I've been eating horribly lately. I mean it's better than my binges and stuff used to be, but still. I'm sure I'm back up to at least 186, but I'm too scared to look.

I think I'm so stressed out with everyone else's problems (specifically the whole Bill thing) that I neglect myself ya know? It wouldn't be the first time. It sucks though, cause I love helping other people and I'm havig a hell of a time finding a balance between the 2. I'm also struggling with the guilt complex. Like I don't want to ask anyone for help cause everyone has so much on their own plate right now. I'm weird, I know =P

I'll just keep praying and stuff, and I'm sure I'll be able to get through the emotional part. I hate emotions!!!=P

2009-07-09T22:27:00.001-05:00

Mk, well I don't really want to talk about yesterday, nor do I particularly want to talk about how today went.

I'll figure this things out eventually, but right now it really sucks.

I'm mad at myself, I hate my body, and I really just want to curl up in bed and stay here for a few days.

Sleep will make it better, hopefully =)

Breakdown

2009-07-08T22:00:00.000-05:00

First breakdown in a while. I'll post tomorrow when it's over

"

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all."

meh

2009-07-07T22:38:00.002-05:00

I haven't done well at all this week with anything health related. The fact that my toe is swollen to twice its size and a lovely shade of purple hasn't helped with the exercise part of it. The rest of it is just me not knowing how to deal adequately with stress. I'll try again tomorrow I suppose. I've gotta be strong right now, ya know? Too much going on for me to be struggling so bad with this stuff. Ugh.

I need sleep. I'll feel better in the morning. I always do. I could really use that sheep, or a baby mammoth =P, about now. That or my boyfriend, regretfully he's asleep across town. I don't think his parents (or mine for that matter) would appreciate me driving across town for a good cuddle =P Ah well, I get to see him tomorrow =)

Anyway, g'night. Busy day tomorrow getting ready for Bill to come down.

Up and Down again

2009-07-03T22:44:00.001-05:00

Today was up and down. Mostly up, but pretty down right now. I was super excited about my weightloss, but I feel like I kind of blew it tonight. I hope not. I don't want to gain the weight back. It's late and I'm exhausted, that's probably why I feel so bad. I just want to be skinny and have people look at me and not think that i'm overweight and when I do something to jepordize that I get mad at myself. I'm trying not to be mad at myself, but i don't want to be too easy on myself either. I'll feel better in the morning, always do, but for now I'm kind of down =(

=D

2009-07-03T10:10:00.002-05:00

So I weighed in at 183.8 this morning =D I can't begin to tell you how much I needed to see that number. I'm actually crying I'm so happy right now.

Losing weight has always been a struggle, and there are just so many emotions entwined with this journey.

I promise I'll post something longer when I stop crying!!

I'm so hungry!!

2009-07-02T19:20:00.002-05:00

I'm not really sure what my deal is today, but I'm so hungry!!!! Ugh...I know I can't eat anymore, but my tummy's making all sorts of noises at me!

I slept in today =) which was much needed. Not to worry I did an hour on the treadmill this afternoon.

I weighed again today- same weight as last time, but I had just eaten lunch and had my sweats on so hopefully when I weigh tomorrow it'll be a bit less. I could REALLY use some encouraging news!! I'm not depressed, I'm just kind of fed up with the whole diet thing. It'll pass, I'm sure it will, but right now I'm just kind of cranky about it. I guess I keep expecting to wake up one day and all of my clothes be too big, but it doesn't work that way =(

I just keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end....really....i promise

Really stomach? Really?

2009-06-30T13:45:00.002-05:00

I got a little sick today. And by a little I mean I was in the bathroom for at least half an hour expelling everything in my stomach.

I feel find now though...yay? I'm not sure what I got into!!

Ah well, first time in a while =) that's good...right?

B- cheerios and 8 cherries
L- steamed chicken and vegetables and white rice (should have done brown, but I didn't *shrug*) and a fortune cookie
D (which I haven't eaten yet)- Guiltless chicken platter at Chili's

A few friends and I are going to take our high school drama teacher out to eat at chili's. The guiltless chicken platter is under 300 for the whole meal so that'll be fine. It's not the best thing on the menu, but it's not bad either.

Weighed in at 185.4 which is the lowest I've weighed in at since....well probably since i was in middle school. So that's pretty exciting. I just gotta keep it up.

I had a fun dream about shopping for my skinny clothes so that was pretty encouraging.

Still struggling with self image a bit today, but it's still steadily getting better

I'm sitll trying to decide if I should eat a piece of cake tomorrow. I think if I can do REALLY well all day tomorrow than I might have one, cause it's AMAZING (just saying =P)

Anyway, that's about it. I may end up adding a snack to that list of food so I don't pass out during class. Passing out is apparently bad...who knew?!?!

I realize that these are all really random, but this is a nice place to get all of my random thoughts out =)

Mixed Emotions

2009-06-29T22:04:00.002-05:00

Today was weird, not bad, just weird.

I'm still waiting for that sign from God to remind me that I'm beautiful. I believe it'll come, I just haven't seen it yet. I probably shouldn't even need the reminder, but you know how it is. I'm feeling better about myself today then I was yesterday though, so that's a blessing in and of itself.

B- cheerios and pineapple
L- egg beaters (2) and a piece of toast
S- cup of pretzels
D- 1/2 PBJ and a glass of milk

That almost doesn't seem like enough but I don't feel hungry so I guess it was? I mananged to take a metformin with that dinner and not get sick =)

Sorry, I realize this isn't coherant but I told myself I'd try to update everyday so here ya go

G'night!

Reason #1 that I shouldn't stay up past my bedtime

2009-06-28T22:23:00.001-05:00

Meh, I should have gone to bed a while ago.

When I get tired I start thinking...and then I don't feel beautiful anymore.

I'm praying that God sends me something tomorrow to brighten my spirits.

Stupid Tummy!!

2009-06-27T08:17:00.003-05:00

Dinner went over pretty well last night. I've made better, but it wasn't bad spaghetti. The pie was alright as well. Not fantastic but all things considered, it turned out alright.

This morning however, my tummy decided to rebel!!! Oh my goodness did it ever. I didn't even get that sick, but the pains in my stomach this morning were debilitating. They're mostly gone now, praise God. I'm not sure if it was something I ate or the tension in my body or what. I'm just prayign that they stay away.

I weighed this morning at 187....I'm going to say it's water weight because if I've really gained a pound and a half i'm going to cry!! I still feel like I've lost a bit of weight. Pants fitting loser and all of that fun stuff.

Sorry, my brain is all over the place this moring! I think i'm going to go find food, but I'll update with a real post tonight

Yay for Fridays!!!!!!

2009-06-26T13:51:00.002-05:00

Today is Friday =)

I can't remember if I posted my intake yesterday or not, and I'm too lazy to go look so here ya go:

B- cheerios
L- salad (lettuce, blueberries, pineapple, and some other fruit, and poppy seed dressing)
S- fat free frozen yogurt
D- tacos (basically meat and cheese and a shell)

I guess I can go ahead and type in today's since I know what's for dinner

B- cheerios and strawberries
L- 1/2 PB&J, 1 oz pretzels (about 15), and strawberries
D- spaghetti (made by me, thank you very much =P) and that key lime pie that I made last night. I'm making rolls but I don't know if I'm going to have one or not. oh! And some salad.

My emotions are much better than last night. I still go through short bursts of wanting to punch someone in the face, but overall its much more even keel. I keep trying to focus on me and what I need to be doing right now. I feel kind of selfish doing that, but I feel like I need to start taking care of myself more than I am.

Anyway, I guess I'll go take a shower so I can get dressed, and cook, and work on homework, and clean and stuffs

Bye!

Internet's Back =D

2009-06-25T20:25:00.003-05:00

Today has been weird. Started off by finding out that I've lost a few pounds this week. I'm down to my lowest weight again- 185.8 =)

Then I got a message from my roommate last year telling me that she wasn't coming down....again.

Then I got depressed, but snapped out of it pretty quickly.

Ran a crap load of errands including running by a place we were considering for the wedding (yes the one that isn't happening for like 2 years =P) and buying the cutest piggy bank ever!!!

Went to class and came home and ate dinner.

Made dessert for tomorrow. I did some modifications and made it under 100 calories a slice =) I'm pretty excited. It's not half bad if I do say so myself- it's even sugar free!!

Anyway, I'm feeling the depression coming in and I'm not in the mood, so good night!!

Contined

2009-06-24T21:21:00.002-05:00

Today was pretty good over all. Got up, walked, ate, went on a 2 hour car ride in mom's convertible to get some sun (and amazingly I didn't burn...we're ignoring the fact that I covered myself in sunscreen every 15 minutes) and I got a little bit of a tan started, ate lunch (1/2 grilled chicken wrap, diet DP, and small order of tater tots...I know, but they sounded so damn good!!!!!), promptly got sick from lunch (damn tater tots!!), started my project, finished my project, filled out my W4 so I can get payed, ran home and picked up my project, presented my project (kicked butt and got a 100 =D), ate dinner (protein bar), watched a bit of TV and here I am

I don't think I ate quite enough today, but I'll do better tomorrow. Maybe I did eat enough...? I don't know, but my blood sugar was way off today, so I'll have to figure out a different approach to eating so I don't get so dizzy and light headed.

Depression is kind of weird right now, but it's not bad (Praise the Lord!!). For the most part it's been great so far this week. I had a bit of a problem tonight when I was starting to unwind, but I talked myself out of it for the most part. So it's definitely there, but not as bad, which means I don't have to fight as hard. I'm hoping the more I exercise and eat right, the better it'll get. We'll see.

Well it's my bedtime =)

SO TIRED!!!

2009-06-24T08:58:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired! Our workout really took it out of me, I think because it was so hot!! We did 3 miles in an hour though, so I'm happy. We could have done better but it was so gross outside!!

Anyway, breakfast was same as usual- cheerios and fruit and water.

About to go riding in mom's convertible to get a tan =P

I could really use some encouragement about now!!

I'll update with a real post tonight =)

Continued

2009-06-23T21:18:00.002-05:00

B- Cheerios and grapes and some cherries
L-turkey, fat free activia yogurt, and some cherries
S- 1/3 protein bar
D- pork chop, squash, 2 crescent rolls (I know bad....but I needed carbs!!)
S- some more cherries

Not bad, but I'm still pretty happy with it. Praying to God that I've lost weight this week!!

So Far, So Good

2009-06-23T10:20:00.000-05:00

Went on my hour walk this morning. Not sure what the distance was, but it seemed like we were going at a good pace. I'm going to try and find my pedometer to take with us tomorrow.

Breakfast was a bowl of cheerios and a cup of cherries (and a grape or 2 that I snuck when mom wasn't looking =P).

Overall the headache is better, though still there. I'll keep taking drugs and trying to keep my blood sugar up. Try some smaller meals and snacks and things.

Mom and I found some really good desert recipies that are healthy. I'm pretty excited to try them out. I actually really want to do some cooking today...and I don't even have fever =P Regretfully I don't have time to do that.

Anyawy, lots of school stuff to do, will updated tonight with intake and stuff =)

Continued

2009-06-22T19:46:00.002-05:00

Ate really well today.

B- Cheerios, skim milk, and a pear
S- 1/3 protein bar
L- pita with grilled vegetables and grilled chicken, water to drink
S- fat free pudding
D- turkey and green beans
S- grapes (1 cup)

I'm proud of myself, though my blood sugar has been crazy today. I think my body's just going to have to get used to eating better. I keep telling myself that it'll get better, keeps me motivated.

Depression has been pretty good today, suprisingly enough. I'm praying that it keeps it up. I usually go a few days off and a few days on, but hopefully with the eating right and exercising, the depression will let up a bit.

Starting Again

2009-06-22T09:43:00.003-05:00

Well it's back on the wagon again. Got up at 6:45 to go on an hour walk with mom. The weekend's intake wasn't great but it could have been a lot worse. I didn't weigh in this morning, I'm still hiding from the scale. I realize that's not a good thing, but at least it's better than obsessing with the scale....I think?

The depression has been really weird lately. I'm usually fine until about 5 or 6 o'clock in the evening and then everything goes to hell. I'm feeling great now. I'm really hoping and praying that the mix of fatigue and bad eating and stuff was the root cause of this. I'm going to keep really close tabs on it though to see what's going on.

Intake today has been good so far, but it's only 9:45 in the morning. After my walk, I had a bowl of cheerios and a pear. I even took my metformin. I've been avoiding that one in the mornings cause it used to make me so sick. I felt a little nauseated this morning, but after the round of anti-biotics it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. I'm going to try really hard to take it like I'm supposed to so it can help me lose the weight.

I'm still hoping to be at my goal weight by September, but that seems a bit harder cause so many weeks have passed where I've kept the same weight. This was the original plan:
5/31-187
6/8-186
6/14-185
6/21- 184
6/28-183
7/5- 182
7/12- 181
7/19-180
7/26- 179
8/2-178
8/9-177
8/16-176
8/23-175
8/30-174
9/6-173
9/13-172
9/20- 170/171

I'm trying to redo it though to reflect my bad eating over the past few days:
6/21-188 (I'm guessing)
6/28-186
7/5-184
7/12-182
7/19-180
7/26- 178
8/2-177
8/9-176
8/16-175
8/23-174
8/30-173
9/6-172
9/13-171
9/20- 170

That means I have to get my butt moving, but it may still be dobale. I know I can do this, I just haven't found quite the right approach for me.

Anyway, I need to get to school stuff!

Day...??

2009-06-20T06:31:00.002-05:00

Haha, it's been a really interesting couple of weeks. I've been really good at working out almost everyday for at least an hour and during the week I eat really well. But 2 weeks ago we were celebrating Ryan's promotion (which involved a ton of food!!!) then last weekend was our 2 year anniversary =) (also involved food, though that one was TOTALLY worth it!!) and then this weekend we're up visiting the family (which hasn't involved much food thus far, but it will....it's my family). I figure as long as I'm working out, the food won't do that much damage but this is the last weekend I can eat like this. I feel like a freaking cow!!

Doesn't help that the depression's been awful lately. I'm hoping it'll get better once this cycle is over, but it's been really weird lately!! It's very up and down. i'll be fine for a day or two and than I'll be depressed for a day or two...it's weird!! Not to mention frustrating as hell. Hopefully today will be better than yesterday was. Most of yesterday was fine, but last night was awful. I think when I get that tired I just don't have the energy to fight it off...if that makes any sense at all?

Anyway, I've probably lost a pound or two so far but that's kind of pathetic if you think about it. 2 pounds in 3 weeks? I'm just trying not to think about it. I haven't weighed yet this week, so maybe it's better than I think it is. I'm so ready to get this weight off but I kind of feel like I'm sabatoging myself. I don't know....I'm just tired and cranky right now. I'm in a hotel room with my parents which is fine but my mother snores like ....something really freaking loud!! haha I fell asleep around 11 and at 4:30 this morning I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. so finally 5:15 I just got up and took a shower. So I'm showered and dressed and makeuped and everything....at 6:30. We're not leaving til 8. I have no idea what I'm going to do until then, but that's why this post is so long and rambling.

I'm going to try to update this think regularly again. It helps me stay accountable and its a good outlet for me.

Anyway, I'm going to go in search of breakfast (though I don't think they open breakfast for another 20 minutes

Day 8

2009-06-08T22:14:00.001-05:00

I walked, then i ate a bunch...meh.

I'll update when I have more to say and am in a better mood

Day 4

2009-06-05T14:37:00.002-05:00

I meant to update yesterday, but after my walk I got sick again and this time there was blood. Anyway, long story short I have a GI infection. After not eating for 24 hours I'm feeling a bit better. It seems like the drugs are starting to take affect. I was allowed to eat as of noon today =)

Anyway I didn't get to work out today because I was way too weak this morning and I had a ton of stuff to do this afternoon. I got Monday through Thursday and I feel like I'm doing well. We'll see how it pays off on Sunday. I'm really hoping for 187 which will be 3 pounds this week. It would be a nice surprise, but I'm still aiming for 189. I set a goal of 189 for this week, so though it would be nice to surpass that, I'll be happy to hit 189.

I guess that's about it. Next week is going to be slightly hellish so there may not be as many posts but I'll try to get it done. I'm not really sure how the exercise is going to fit in next week, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I have work from 9-12, internship from 12:30-3:30. and class from 4-6:30. I may do a 30 minute walk in the morning but I don't think an hour is really a feasable option. After this week, I'll just have the internship and class so that'll be better =)

Day 3

2009-06-03T08:19:00.003-05:00

187.8 =D Granted that's probably cause I got a bit sick last night but we'll take it.

Ate really well yesterday, and I'm pretty proud of myself not going to lie =P I did the snacks and smaller meals thing, and though my reflux was still there it was a ton better. I didn't gag or throw up once =)

I was talking to Ryan about my medical theory, which he agreed with, but I also told him my non-medical theory. Weightloss is more than just losing pounds, it's a lifelong struggle and it's a very emotional thing. I kind of feel like I'm being attacked ya know? Like everytime I do really well on a diet something happens that causes me to give up. My grandfather died, my reflux is so bad that I can't eat anything but bread (carbs), etc. Do I think that those happened to screw me over? Not really, but I do think that they were used to trip me up. Anyway, lots of praying for protection and strength and all of that fun stuff.

I need to go take a shower so I can go fight with UH....yay? I need a shower anyway, I'm sweaty!!! It's humid out there =( but I've managed to walk everyday so far for an hour/day. It's a step in the right direction anyway.

Day 2

2009-06-02T08:03:00.003-05:00

Today's walk kind of kicked my butt....alot. Regardless, it was a good walk and I feel a sense of accomplishment and all that fun stuff.

I feel like I ate pretty well yesterday, but I'm not sure I ate enough. I felt alright until about 8 last night when I got this horrible headache and my reflux kept making me gag and heave. I ate a handful of saltines (whole wheat) and felt well enough to go to bed. Our working theory is that with the faster metabolism (thank you metformin!!) I'm not getting enough food so the acids in my stomach have taken to eating away my stomach and esophagus. I'm going to try eating a few more smaller meals today (as opposed to the 3 square meal approach) and see if that helps. If there's constantly something in my stomach, it stands to reason that the acids will eat that and not my tummy....right? If it doesn't get better in a week or so I'll call up the gastrointerologist and see about changing meds or dosages or something.

All in all I'm doing alright. Eating pretty well, getting my exercise in, getting stuff off of my to-do list =) I can't complain.

Day 1

2009-06-01T10:39:00.002-05:00

Well Day 1 is here, and it's going alright so far =) Got up at 7 and went on an hour walk with mom. Got home, took a shower, listened to my Bible and Modern Science lecture, made my ever-growing to do list, and ate breakfast (apple and peanut butter- we have NO food in the house).

I weighed in at 190 this morning, which sucks, but if I wasn't on the metformin it would have been a whole lost worse! I definitely am grateful for that. I'm hoping to be at 187 or 188 by the next weighin. It's always hard to tell on the first week. sometimes its really accelerated weight loss and sometimes it's just normal. We sha'll see =)

Today's to-do list contains finishing my lesson plans, making a supply list for the boss, buying supplies, and going to class. Doesn't really sound that bad. Lesson plans and supply list should take all of an hour or so and I don't have class until 4. A small part of me is contemplating doing some pilates, but i'm not sure yet. I don't really want to burn myself out on the first day. We'll just see how I feel I suppose.

Well I'm off to work on my list =)

Stuff

2009-05-29T07:55:00.003-05:00

So I made a HUGE mistake this morning and weighed myself, I gained a pound?!?!?!?!?! haha I'm sure it's just water weight and bloating and stuff, but it was kind of a blow to the self-confidence. I'm not weighting again until next Sunday, that way I'll have been exercising 5 days a week before I weigh in again. I knew better, but I guess I was just hoping that I would have magically lost some weight.

On a brighter note, I got my nails done yesterday. I realize that has NOTHING to do with weight loss, but it was nice to relax for a bit and not worry about all of this. I also cleaned out my car yesterday, which doesn't sound like it has to do with weight loss, but oddly enough it does. I had a lot of fast food bags and stuff still in my car from Lord only knows how long ago. I needed to throw all of that out for obvious reasons, but also for a new start. Everytime I got in my car it reminded me of how badly I had screwed up my diet, but it's all gone now =) I'm thinking I'm going to go get it washed and waxed today (it's been a year since it's been washed...oops!)

I'm going to try to post my intake on here- I'm hoping it'll keep me more accountable and stuff:

Yesterday's intake:
Calories: 150, Total Fat: 2g, Carbs: 26g, Protein: 6g-oatmeal
Calories: 78, Total Fat: 0g, Carbs: 21g, Protein: 1g- raisins

Calories: 716, Total Fat: 24.5g, Carbs: 35g, Protein: 44g- quesadillas
Calories: 142, Total Fat: 7.4g, Carbs: 17.8g, Protein: 1.98g- chips

Calories: 180, Total Fat: 4g, Carbs: 25g, Protein: 10g- protein bar

1266 Cal, 38 Fat, 125 Carbs, 63 Prot

I talked to mom about what Ryan and I had talked about and she completely agreed with him (go figure! =P) We had a good conversation about it all though, and about how she does the same thing. Anyway it was a pretty encouraging conversation. We're going to try to walk every day (a lot of that depends on her knee) and we're going to keep each other accountable. It'll be nice to have someone that I live with to help keep me on track. Ryan does a great job, but he's not always here. Between Ryan and my mom, I'll pretty much have no choice but to lose weight =P

I'm still trying to come up with different motivations, reasons, and rewards for the weight loss. I posted a motivation/reason yesterday so I'll post a reward today (can you tell that I really don't want to go run errands =P). I'm going to get my teeth whitened when this is all said and done. I don't know why, but I've always been kind of self-conscious about my teeth. It makes sense to me that if I lose the weight, and buy new clothes, I should have a nice, bright smile to complete the look. *shrug* makes sense to me!!

Anyway, I really do have to go run a few errands now!!! Sorry for the rambling

Revelation Part Deux

2009-05-28T08:19:00.003-05:00

Mixed feelings this morning, but I think it's just cause I'm not awake =P

I finally got up the nerve to get on the scale- 187.4. So i've gained a pound and a half, but that's not nearly as bad as I thought!!

5/31-187
6/8-186
6/14-185
6/21- 184
6/28-183
7/5- 182
7/12- 181
7/19-180
7/26- 179
8/2-178
8/9-177
8/16-176
8/23-175
8/30-174
9/6-173
9/13-172
9/20- 170/171

I'm hoping that for the first week or so it'll be a little over a pound a week, but I figured I'd make conservative figures so that I don't a) try to starve myself and b)I don't get depressed if I don't lose a ton of weight.

I'm not really sure that 170 is my final number, but it's kind of my goal until i can reassess. I have no idea what Im supposed to weigh. I've been told as low as 150, but I honestly think that I would look emaciated at that weight. So like I said, I'll get to 170 and see how it's going. I have a feeling that once i get to 170, it'll be more about toning than actually losing weight.

I'm still feeling kind of down, just because of the conversation that went down last night, but I'm better. Like I said last night, it wouldn't have hurt if it wasn't true. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I know that's not an excuse to not lose the weight. I just have to constantly remind myself that this is something I need to do whether i feel like it or not.

I keep trying to find new areas of inspiration- I think today's is my honeymoon. Am i even engaged? no...but there's a good chance that I may be in the next year or so. I know he loves me the way i am, but I really don't want him to see like this, ya know? I want to be able to go into both my wedding and honeymoon feeling beautiful, confident, and sexy. I know it's doable, but if I were to be at this weight, I think I would have a hard time with that. Wouldn't it be amazing to have a size 8 or 10 wedding dress? I've never worn an 8 or a 10...ever.

Anyway, I should go get ready for my meeting. After that I'm having lunch with mom, but it'll be steamed chicken, brown rice, and vegetables. Then I'm hanging out with Sarah, we're dong Starbucks but I'll either drink tea or water and then we're getting our nails done, so there's no food there =) woohoo!!

Revelation Part 1

2009-05-27T22:24:00.002-05:00

I'm exhausted, so I'll keep this short and sweet. I'll expound tomorrow.

My heart's hurting a bit from tonight's conversation with Ryan. He didn't do or say anything wrong, but what he did say was true...which was why it hurt so bad to hear. Basically he talked about how I am so hard on myself in some aspects of my life but I give myself too much slack in others. His example (which was sadly accurate) was that if I eat a gram of sugar I freak out and hate myself and overreact about how badly I've done (which usually means trying really hard the next day to do better), but if I eat 2 grams of sugar then I decide to screw it and give up because obviously I can't do it.

He also brought up the painful point that I really don't think highly enough of myself to think that I deserve to lose the weight or to feel pretty. A point that I've known for a while, but have consistantly ignored until now.

It was a really rough conversation and I pretty much cried all the way home, but I'm glad we had it. And I'm glad that he loves me enough to be honest with me.

So tonight after I left his house, I went and got my last bite of fast food for a very VERY long time (I hadn't eaten much of anyhting today). Was that the right thing to do? I dunno, but I'm good with it so it doesn't much matter. I don't feel guilty (which is weird!!) I just feel like I enjoyed some food before going on a fairly strict diet.

Starting tomorrow- no more dessert, unless its like sugar free/fat free pudding or something. I'm going to focus on dieting for the next 4 days and then introduce the exercise on Monday. Praise the Lord that my nutritionist had to cancel for next week and we can't meet for another 4 weeks =) gives me time to shape up.

All of that to say, 1)I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and am very grateful to have him in my life 2)I have GOT to start getting in the Word and doing my Bible study again 3)my brain and my heart hurt and feel mildly like they are about to explode and 4) it's back on the wagon again

Who Knows What Day

2009-05-26T21:10:00.003-05:00

I have no idea what day it is, but I suppose it doesn't much matter. You can't really call how I've been eating dieting, so it is pretty much irrelevant.

The new battle plan starts Monday. Mom will be home so I'll be walking almost every day and that's what really lacking from my routine right now. The eating doesn't seem to be making that huge of a difference in my weight fluctuation, but I know that working out will make a world of difference.

As far as eating goes, I have got to talk to mom about our food. For the most part the meals themselves are ok, but in order to make our guests (or Ryan, who after 2 years is more like family than a guest) happy she keeps making deserts. In the past week, i kid you not, she has made a batch of brownies and german chocolate cake and bought us all Dairy Queen blizzards. I appreciate desert, but we have got to find healthier alternatives. Desert really is my weekness. In theory I can not eat what she bakes....but if you have tasted her baking, you know that's not really an option =P I've made a bunch of significant life choices, but I have still yet to master self control and will power. Maybe that's my next goal.

All of that to say, my day count is going to start over come Monday. I've fallen off the wagon and it's time to get back on.

I have a bit more incentive now (besides health and a more positive body image). Mom said that if I lost the weight by my birthday then she would take me on a shopping weekend. We haven't done that in a while and they are so much fun...and I'll need more clothes. I believe (and correct me if I'm wrong baby, if you're reading this) that Ryan offered to carry some bags =P

Enough rambling, time for bed.

Day 67

2009-05-21T12:16:00.002-05:00

I'm weighing at 185.5 right now

My motivation is pretty much at an all time low. I went through my closet and got rid of all of the clothes that were to big. It was pretty encouraging, but not motivating. I feel like I'm at a really weird place. I'm so annoyed with my body, but I don't really have the energy to get off my butt and do something about it. I don't really know what's wrong with me. I realized today that I have forgotten to take my Welbutrin these past few days so that's what I'm going to assume it is. I made sure to take them today. I'm 99.9% sure that that will make a huge difference.

I made out my summer calendar and to do list. If I lose only a pound a week then I'll be down to my goal (170) by my 21st birthday. That's my goal as of now, and I'm sure it's a reachable goal, though for some reason it seems kind of overwhelming right now. A pound a week is perfectly doable and once I get my butt up and start exercising things are going to be fine.

I think I've just failed so many times that it's kind of hard for me fathom losing the weight once and for all. I really just need to see it is a possible goal...if that makes sense? I don't know, it's just hard to go after a goal that you don't really believe in I guess.

Anyway, enough rambling!! I'll try to get on the treadmill today and get back on track. I only have 15 pounds to lose, it can't be that bad...right?

2009-05-17T21:30:00.000-05:00

It was a very up and down weekend, but I'm exhausted so I'll just say that tomorrow it all starts up again. I'm done with school and the stress is mostly finished and its time to focus on my health again. Hoping to get to my goal by my birthday in September. Right now I'm at 185.8 and I'm hoping to get to 170 or 160 depending on how I look at 170. It seems pretty doable =)

Anyway, i'm going to bed but i'll update with progress tomorro

2009-05-15T22:34:00.001-05:00

I felt beautiful tonight

Day 57 cn't

2009-05-11T20:11:00.002-05:00

Some days I swear I'm bi-polar. Sometimes I look in the mirror and smile because I can see my stomach getting smaller and I can start to see my cheek and collar bones. And then there's the other times...where I look in the mirror and cry hysterically because I'm fat and ugly and it doesn't seem like it's ever going to change. It just seems like my perception of myself is constantly swinging from one extreme to the other.

I really don't have the time or the energy to deal with my mood swings right now.

Day 57

2009-05-11T10:25:00.002-05:00

See, I said I'd try to start posting more regularly =)

Anyway, I haven't had a chance to work out today but I'm hoping to get a chance to get that done. This weeks goal is really to focus on my mid section so that the dress looks really good this weekend. I'm drinking tons of water and using lemon juice as a diuretic to help some of the bloating. I'm on my 2nd period this cycle so I've been ridiculously bloated. Hopefully getting rid of some of the water weight will help the dress fit better around my midsection. I'm hoping that I won't have to wear a corset with the dress. I really don't want to cause they're so uncomfortable and constricting, but if I have to I have to.

The only down side to this brilliant plan is that I have to pee all the time =P

On that note, I gotta go pee and write my paper

Day 56

2009-05-10T07:56:00.002-05:00

My boyfriend Ryan reminded me that I haven't updated in a really long time. It's been a pretty up and down week again, but things are starting to look up again. The depression was really bad on Thursday, but that was my own fault for not taking my welbutrin.

One paper and one exam to go. After Thursday I'll be all done and can take a break until June. I'm excited. As I told Ryan last night, i really haven't been trying to lose weight. I've been mainly focusing on not gaining which has been going surprisingly well. I haven't gained any weight which is a miracle =) I need to lose weight but I have so much stuff to worry about right now that it's kind of low on the list, ya know? I'm eating generally well and I'm exercising when I get the chance, but I don't have the time or energy to stress out about this.

We recently got some bad news about my step aunt (grandfathers new wife's daughter) as well as my uncle (dad's youngest brother). I'm not super close to either of them, but I'm close enough for it to be rough, if that makes any sense. I think it's hardest to watch dad struggle with his brother's condition. It's so sad when he gets upset =(

Anyway, I'll try and do better on updating this week!

Day 50

2009-05-04T12:50:00.002-05:00

Sorry I didn't update this weekend, it was kind of busy and emotionally up and down.

The metformin has been making sick a lot lately, and that's been stressing me out. I need to call the OBGYN and make an appointment but I don't really want to. I don't want to have to make the choice between not being sick or losing weight....it doesn't really seem fair to me, but it's life I suppose. Hopefully my stomach will settle down and things will get better now that school is over (Praise the Lord!!) I have 1 final in 1 1/2 weeks and 1 paper due next week (but its a garunteed A).

Didn't do bad on my diet, but I've been slacking on exercising so I haven't lost weight either. I'm taking a break from pretty much everything today, but tomorrow I'm going to start everything up again. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I'm looking forward to seeing results. I'm just praying that i do see results by the next weigh in. I could really use some encouragement!!

Anyway, I'm going to go grab some lunch and go to my final class of the semester, WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!

Day 47

2009-05-01T10:36:00.002-05:00

Well last night was awful.... Apparently I suck at functioning on little sleep =P I actually did alright until the evening. I was exhausted and stressed all day but i managed. Last night, however, everything went to hell. When I get to a certain point I just get too tired to fight off negative thoughts. i've been doing a lot better lately, but that's because i've had enough sleep and have been taking all of my supplements. Last night I was just exhausted....and thus the negative thoughts started up again. I just felt like a hideous cow, I forgot how much that hurts. I felt huge and kept going over every part of me that I didn't like. It got to be a surprisingly long list.

There was a lot of praying last night. A lot of praying for God to help me feel beautiful today. I know that I'm a creation of God and was made beautiful....I know that, but I don't feel it. I prayed that he would use those that I'm close to to help me see that I'm beautiful and that he would help me change the way I view myself.

On a bright note, i'm back down to where I was before last weekend...yay? Haha I don't know, I'm just so tired and stressed out. Meh....

I'll update when I'm feeling better.

Day 46

2009-04-30T15:00:00.003-05:00

This has nothing to do with losing weight in any way, shape, or form but I just need to rant. So I just took my astronomy exam and it SUCKED!! He gave us a review which I completed and memorized and all that fun stuff and then I get on the exam and there are questions over things that I have never heard of! Not in the books or the notes....why would you test over something that you hadn't taught? I don't know, it doesn't make much sense to me. Ryan keeps telling me that it'll be alright because even though my grade is low it's probably higher than a lot of other people's. That's probably true, but still....I had a 4.0 at my past school and I have a 3.5 at this one....32 and 59 are not acceptable grades!!!! *ahem*

Anyway cause of all the stress and running around like a chicken with my head cut off I haven't exactly eaten lunch...unless 1/2 of a glucerna bar counts as lunch. I'll just make sure to have a decent sized dinner and I should be fine. I'm so shaky though!! I wasn't sure I was going to be able to fill in the bubbles on the scantron.

But it's over and now I can go home, go to my community college course, and then sleep!!! I'm planning on going to bed around 8 tonight!! It's going to be AMAZING!! haha I can't wait.

Next week I gotta get back to working out. I've taken some time off from it (in my opinion, I had good reason) and now I gotta get back to it. I can't go too long without exercising or I'll get out of the habit of working out. Maybe I'll start tomorrow, I don't really know what tomorrow holds so we'll see. I feel like I've lost a bit more weight, so hopefully I'll be back down to where I was and God willing, maybe lose a pound or two.

Day 45

2009-04-29T08:25:00.002-05:00

For better or worse I decided to weigh this morning. I'm back down to 187.something, which is 2 pounds down and only one more than I was last week. I'm pretty happy with that =) I would really like to be down to 186.0 by Sunday but I'm not sure if that's a realistic goal. The overall goal is to be 185 or less by Laurel's wedding, which is in 3 weeks I believe. So that's 2 pounds in 3 weeks, should be easy enough. The dress I bought for the wedding fit very well, but it was a bit tight around the midsection, so I'm hoping this helps with that.

I really need to start working out again, but honestly I think I'm going to wait until next week to start that back up again. I realize that that might not be the best idea, but I'm so damn busy this week!! I realize saying that I'm going to study all day seems like an over dramatization, but literally that's what I'm doing today. Studying for astronomy, going to class, studying for psychology, studying some more for astronomy. I have 90 minutes before I have to start that. So 90 minutes to eat, shower, get dressed, and all that fun stuff.

Anywho, I'll start updating about real weightloss stuff once all of the insanity of school is over, I promise!!

Day 44

2009-04-28T19:42:00.003-05:00

Well today was a total and complete waste of time, but it was kind of nice. Just ran some errands and updated my calendar and stuff. It was a very stress free day =) Because of all the rain and stuff 2/3 of my normal classes got canceled as well as my community college class.

Surprisingly, I'm doing alright on my diet. I haven't kept close tabs on it but I would guess about 1200 calories today. I may start to feel a little light headed later on, but that's why I'm going to bed early =P I put on my "skinny" jeans today and I was actually surprised at how well they fit. I know I gained 3 pounds over the weekend, but it's either not in my stomach area (which I find VERY hard to believe) or the healthy eating and lots of water has flushed most of it out of my system. I kind of want to weigh tomorrow just to see, but I'm scared that if I do and I haven't lost weight it might start a bit of a spiral. We'll see how I feel about it in the morning

Only a week left and this will get a ton easier =)

Day 43

2009-04-27T08:50:00.002-05:00

Well the weekend was fun but I managed to gain 3 pounds....which was really hard to deal with this morning. I talked myself down and I'm feeling better but man, really? 3 pounds?? Stupid PCOS!!!

I just keep telling myself that I'm still 10 or so pounds lighter than I was when I started this so though its a set back, its not like its ruined everything I've worked for. I can still fit in my skinny jeans and wear things from high school. I've just got to work really hard in the next few weeks to get myself back on track. I think the new goal is 185 by the wedding which is 3 (4?) weeks away. 5 pounds in that time seems reasonable, especially if I work out everyday and eat right.

This is my last week of classes so I'm kind of excited to have time to exercise. It'll be easier to work out and focus on dieting when I'm not so stressed about stuff. It's going to be a rough week as far as stress goes, but once its over it should get a ton better.

Though I am by no means happy, I'm kind of proud of myself for having a more logical mindset. I don't know how much of that is the anti-depressants or how much of that is just maturing but if this had happened even a few months ago I probably would have quit.

Anyway, I need to get to class. I'll update again either tonight or tomorrow with today's progress.

day 40

2009-04-24T19:10:00.000-05:00

Well today is day 40 and I have done horribly today. I kind of switch between not caring and freaking out. I don't know, I knew that this weekend would be hard, I just didn't expect it to start off so rough! Right now I don't much care, I just feel sick!! I have a feeling that the not caring is just a defense, cause if I cared about what I ate today, I'd be so mad at myself.

I just keep hoping that something will click with me and this will suddenly make sense and not be so hard. It shouldn't be, should it? I mean all I have to do is eat healthy. In theory that's not that hard!

Meh, I think I need a nap! Ill update when we get to dallas and I have a computer instead of a blackberry.

Day 39...again

2009-04-23T22:58:00.002-05:00

Yeah I know, 3 posts in one day....but it's been a crazy up and down kind of day. I was super stressed tonight but I had promised my old drama teacher that I'd come to her opening night. I'm so glad I did =) Jared and Alan were there and we stayed 2 hours after the show just catching up and telling ridiculous stories. I haven't laughed that hard in forever!! It was really nice.

As is typical of me, however, after that high I hit a pretty deep low which I am currently in the process of getting out of. I ate at Whataburger tonight because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours and it was on the way home. You know, I don't even feel guilty about that....what's bugging me is that it feels like it's just not going to happen. I look at me 10 pounds lighter and the idea of losing another 20 or so is so daunting!! As much as I want to get there, I'd be lying if I said that I truly believe that I will. I'm just not skinny and I never will be. And maybe I could learn to be ok with that but I'm not sure those who are close to me could. I really don't think its cause they think i'm ugly or unattractive or whatever; I honestly believe it's because they want me to be happy and healthy but still.... what if i'm happy looking the way I am?

I don't know if that's true, I don't know if I'm happy with it, but I'm getting sick of trying to change me. This constant scrutiny that I have myself under is driving me insane. No wonder all of my diets have failed, I drive myself to the point of exhaustion and then crash. I just keep looking at my stomach and my thighs and the way my jeans fit and the way i look in my new dress and blah blah blah and it's driving me crazy. i'm not perfect and I never will be...so why do I keep trying to be.

I'm sure I've contradicted myself several times in this bt I'm just so frustrated. I have all these thoughts and feelings and I don't know how to verbalize them or make any sense of them. Thus all of the posts recently. I keep hoping that if I just ramble enough, it'll all start to make sense. Well on that note, I think its time to take some Advil PM and knock myself out!!

Day 39 cn't

2009-04-23T11:43:00.002-05:00

Well I'm at school and bored out of my mind so I fgured I should post something slightly more coherent than this morning. I texted with Ryan a few times this morning and that calmed me down a bit. Overall I'm actually feeling much better. Ended up skipping my first class because I was too late to go to it. So I sat outside and ate a delicious bagle =) I swear those bagles make everything better!!!

I think i'm just stressed out and I'm letting this get to me a lot more than it should. I just wish I could see results!! That would make a world of differnce. As I told Ryan last night, I really want someone to notice. I want some friend or family member to be like "have you lost weight?". i feel like I've worked my ass off and done fairly well all things considered...but its just not that physically obvious. I know that this shouldn't be about size or what other people think....but sometimes health really isn't that great of a motivator. (i know it should be!) Hopefully if I keep up with it, someone will be able to tell a difference soon.

Anyway, I'm kind of nervous about my diet this weekend. Going out of town is always hard! I'm praying because Ryan's with me it'll be easier. He tends to get fairly healthy things so I don't feel so bad when I'm eating a salad and everyone else is eating a hamburger. I'm sure that's not why he does it, but it means a lot that he does, regardless of reason. Hopefully it'll work out, and hopefully i don't screw things up this weekend. There's a gym in the hotel we're staying at (I use the term gym losely...there's a treadmill =P) so I'm going to try to work out a bit this weekend. That'd be good =) I hate working out, but it might make the weekend easier on me.

I suppose that's about it. Only 2 more weeks and I think I'll be ok =) I'll actually have time to exercise on a regular basis and I should be able to eat better. Mom should be off in the next month or so so we're going to walk in the monring. That'll make things easier too. I'm hoping that I can manage a size 10 by early june....that would be AMAZING!!!!! I'm praying that i can be good enough (and that my body will be nice enough) to make that happen.

Well off to the computer lab I suppose....to be productive....ewwww

Day 39

2009-04-23T07:00:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, the wireless at the house has been really weird lately and I've not done so well with things so the motivation to update hasn't been there either.

My diet sucked yesterday, I ate the right calorie amount, but NOT in the right food. That probably explains the gain of a pound this morning. That or the fact that I'm on the heaviest period EVER!!!!! Ok so maybe not ever, but it feels like it! I kind of hate being female this morning.

Anyway, I'm super frustrated with all of this right now. School, diet, exercise, my extreme lack of friends, etc. I kind of feel like a beaten down horse, ya know? I'm not sue what's wrong with me... I'm probably just tired. I just feel like it's all kind of pointless. Luckily I have a weird guilt complex so I won't stop dieting/exercising cause I don't want to disappoint people. I know that's not the right reason to do this, but hopefully it'll get me past whatever this funk is.

Meh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know it'll get better, I'm just tired and bloated and cramping and it's hard to be super happy when you feel like that. Anyway, I'm sure I'll have a more optimistic outlook later today or tomorrow. I gotta go get ready for class. only 3 classes left, woohoo!!!!! haha I think school being over will make a lot of things better =)

Day 35

2009-04-19T16:15:00.004-05:00

I've been avoiding updating again. I got kind of lazy/fed up this weekend and didn't do so well on my diet. Amazingly I still lost a pound =) Don't have a clue in hell how that happened, but we'll take it. I'm hoping I may even be down to 195 by next weekend (at ~186.4 today). I have the dress that I'm wearing to the wedding hanging in my room so that I have to look at it every morning when I get up. So far it's been a bit helpful =) hopefully the motivation keeps up!!

The metformin has been making me sick again, and I don't know why. It hasn't been bad until today, but the fajita meat was a little greasy so I'm sure that's why. Trying to be optimistic so...its a good jumpstart to this weeks weightloss goal?

On a bright note, I went out and bought size 12 jeans =) I owned a pair of 12's but they never fit right and they were usually too tight to get into. But today I bought a 12 which made me feel better. I tried on a 14 and it swallowed me, which was really encouraging. Who knows, maybe next month I'll be down to a 10?? I've never worn a ten, ever. I went from kids to 12/14 adults...I was a big kid. I'm really excited to buy that first pair of size 10 jeans! Maybe by June..? We'll see

Anyway, I should go be productive but I'll try to do a better job updating this week.

Day 31

2009-04-15T16:23:00.002-05:00

Today started out kind of rough but ended up alright. I was just feeling so unmotivated to work out this morning, probably residual feelings from last night. After some encouraging texts from Ryan and some thinking, I'm starting to get my motivation back. I still haven't worked out today but I'm about to leave to go to Ryan's and we're going to walk.

Along with that lack of motivation came a sense of....i dunno really. I didn't feel ugly, I think I just felt like I wasn't sexy. I'm still feeling a little down about that, but I took a long shower, shaved (first time in a loooong time =P damn these long legs! takes so long to shave!) , and got all dressed up to go see Ryan...yes I got all dressed up to go work out. I'm bringing sweats and tennis shoes no worries =) I'm feeling generally better about myself anyway.

I had an interesting occurrence today, that is probably normal for most people but I'm weird. Once I got all dressed and makeuped and all that fun stuff I felt pretty. I looked in the mirror and thought "I look pretty" I can't even remember the last time that happened...suffice it to say it's been a really long time.

Anyway, hopefully our walk tonight will encourage me to keep working out =) I may or may not update tomorrow. Ryan and I have tickets to the Nickleback concert so I have a feeling it will be a fairly late night

Day 30

2009-04-14T22:40:00.002-05:00

Well I'm 30 days into it and very discouraged. I haven't lost much weight, I have no incentive to do anything, I have no motivation. My diet's been textbook perfect but I haven't been working out so I haven't lost a single pound in two weeks....it sucks you know? Normal people can diet and lose weight. I mean sure exercise helps everyone, but I've known plenty of people who have lost a decent amount of weight by diet alone. Not me, not with PCOS. I eat what I'm supposed to, when I'm supposed to, I take my supplements and it gets me nowhere. I know that the obvious answer is exercise but it just seems so futile right now (yes I know i'm being overdramatic). There's that part of me that says that I can't do this for the rest of my life just to maintain a healthy weight. I just can't.

I tried just not eating as much today, but by the time classes were done I was so shaky I could barely walk to my car. Today I had a handful of cereal to take my meds with, a bagle, protein bar, and 1/2 of a ham snadwich. You would think that would be enough for me to lose weight.

I'm just having a really hard time not going back to where I was. The diet has brought up a lot of old feelings that I haven't ever dealt with. In a way its good because I'm finally facing my demons, but why did it have to come now? I'm so stressed with school, and personal stuff, and everybody elses crap that I really don't have time to deal with weight issues right now.

I just want to give up, but I know I won't start again if I do. I also know that I'll be a disapointment to people if I quit. I don't know....I thought the anti-depressants were supposed to help this kind of thing.

I just need encouragment

Day 29

2009-04-13T09:13:00.002-05:00

Last week wasn't that big of a success on either the diet or the exercise front. I didn't lose any weight, but I didn't gain any either so that's good. I'm actually ok with that. I needed a break to focus on all of the school stuff that I had to get done. It almost got to the point where it was either get on the treadmill or fail the assignment. I don't really feel like I had the time to exercise last week. I'm sure I'm probably just making excuses for myself....but anyway, this is a new week.

I still have lots of stuff to do but I made my master list of what all needed to get done before the end of the semester and it's long but manageable. In that list is at least an hour of exercise everyday. I get made fun of for having to schedule it in, but if I don't then it probably won't get done.

All of that being said, this weekend had some really good up and one or two not so good downs. On the down side, I didn't lose any weight which, though I'm ok with it now, was pretty disappointing. I also failed my astronomy exam so i have a D in the class. Both of those are stressing me out a bit, but i'm trying not to think about it. On the bright side, it was a nice weekend with Ryan, his parents, and my parents. I also found a dress for Ryan's sister's wedding. It's damn sexy if I do say so myself =P It fits really well, but it will fit better if I can get another 5 pounds off before the wedding. I also found a dress that I had no need for whatsoever....but it's gorgeous so i bought it =P I'm thinking Ryan and I might do something for our 2 year anniversary, and if we do it'd be perfect for that.

This weeks goals are to focus on my arms (in addition to cardio) because both of the dresses are strapless, and to drink a ton of water. I feel like I need to flush some stuff out of my system, and hopefully that'll help kind of give a second jumpstart to my weight loss.

Anyway, I have spent way too much time babbleing and not nearly enough time working away at my list.

Day 25

2009-04-09T20:32:00.003-05:00

I've been avoiding updating this thing just because I haven't been in the best of moods lately. I guess all the stress has been getting to me (so i'm sure I haven't lost any weight), but i've been miserable these past couple of days.

Anyway, I haven't really had time to do much exercising, but my diet's been good. All I can really hope for is that I haven't gained. I don't feel like I have, but I'm also nervous because I've been slacking hardcore with the working out. Though I'm still very motivated to lose weight, I don't have the energy (and it rarely feels like I have the strength) to work out. I tried to come with reasons for this and I've come up with 2-

1) I've just recently lost a few friends (we just went different ways, they didn't die or anything) and it's been really hard on me, because that support system I've always had seems to be gone.

2) I'm on the second week of my period- day 10. It's taking a lot of my physical energy.

not that either of those are excuses I just feel the need to explain- more for me than anymore else really. Anyway, tomorrow's my follow up with the shrink. I don't really know what to tell her but we'll see. Right now I think i'm going to tell her that the anti-depressants are doing fine but that I'd like to add some anti-anxiety...but I change my mind about every 5 minutes or so, so we'll see.

Anyway, this is just rambling so i'm going to go do something productive. I'll update tomorrow when I figure out how the doctor's appointment went

Day 21

2009-04-05T15:21:00.003-05:00

Well I'm down to 187.4 which isn't really where I wanted to be but considering the lack of exercise and the stress and the Mexican food last night, I can't really complain. Actually I'm pretty happy. Ryan and I had a decent talk last night and it helped me to put things in perspective.

Paper is done =D Praise God!!!

Eating good so far today, got a bit sick with the met but that's probably because I didn't take it last night and it tends to screw me up if i skip a dose.

That's really about all I've got to say right now. Got to finish my review sheet for astronomy. I promise a better post tomorrow

Day 20 cnt'd

2009-04-04T19:14:00.002-05:00

So I was really excited about how well I was doing and then we went out to eat...damn it!! I'm not sure how many calories I consumed but it was way more than I had set aside for dinner. Man, I'm just so frustrated with myself right now. I could have not gone or I could have just gotten a salad with no dressing or something ya know, but I didn't. I got quesadillas instead, and I ate a bunch of chips.

This is the first time I've screwed up on my diet since I've started which is impressive but scary...cause this is antoher one of those turning point things, ya know? I know I shouldn't give up cause it was just a one time thing but I can feel myself panicking and wanting to give up but I can't give up but I'm stressed and giving up sounds like the easy option right now and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *ahem* I've just worked so hard and I can't see that much of a difference and its like why am i even trying if its not making any difference. But then if it doesn't matter why do I feel so guilty for eating like i did and...meh.

I really just want to curl up and go to bed right now but its not an option and that sucks.

Day 20

2009-04-04T14:21:00.002-05:00

Well long story short, I didn't go to the wedding shower. There was lots of drama but in the end all parties agreed that that's what was going to happen so I guess it's all good now? I don't know, but I don't imagine it could be too messed up =P Famous last words...

I'm 9 pages into my paper. It has be between 10 and 15, but I'm not sure I can finish everything I need to say in a page. I'm guessing 2-3 pages left though so I'm sure I can get it done tonight. That's such a relief!! That means I can give it to mom and Ryan to proof and hopefully tomorrow I can do my final edit, e-mail it, and study for astronomy =) I feel so much better about everything, though my stomach's still paying for all of the stress I've put it through these past few days.

Eating's been alright today. I'm actually kind of proud of myself. Dad decided that I should meet him at Whataburger after he left the range, and not really thinking I was like "sure!". Now you have to understand that I am a sucker for french fries and burgers but I ordered a grilled chicken sandwhich, plain and dry, and drank some water. Ended up being around 350 calories for the whole meal =) That could have killed my diet right there, but I did what I was supposed to and am pretty proud...though I have a strange sense of guilt for being proud of it (i'll come back to that later). Anyway, breakfast was 1/2 a mioplex bar (150), 1 clementine (35) and 1/2 cup of pasta (180) which seems like a really weird breakfast but I needed more than the bar and clementine to take my metformin with so pasta seemed like a nice, bland choice. So all in all, I'm doing pretty well today, I think. Not sure what we're doing for dinner, because dad's having a friend over and I'm sure we'll go out to eat. I still have between 500 and 800 calories left for a snack and for dinner.

Aright back to my sense of guilt. I was talking to the nutritionist yesterday about how much Ryan has helped me and how grateful I am for him and all of that. She agreed but she said something interesting- he has been a great help and i'm glad he's your support but give yourself credit. You're the one that gets on the treadmill everyday, you're the one that says no to the fast food, you're the one that is getting healthy. Not that Ryan hasn't been AMAZING through all of this, but it's kind of nice to think that I've done it so far, ya know? I was giving credit to everyone else, and granted much credit is due to many people, but its nice to be able to see that I deserve some credit to. The weird thing is though that I feel guilty for saying that. I feel guilty for being proud of myself for losing the weight and I feel guilty for giving myself credit. I don't really know why that is or where it comes from but it's been interesting to contemplate all of that. I think i've come to the general conclusion that though I don't understand it, it's good that i've come to an understanding that feeling guilty for my accomplishments is dumb. =)

Haha, I think these blog posts keep getting longer and more filled with random tangents but it is nice to have a place to vent (even it does lead to long run-on sentences). Back to the paper, I'll update tomorrow with paper update, tonight's dinner update, and hopefully some brilliant insight that I've had.

Day 19

2009-04-03T17:19:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I had my appointment and it went pretty well. She says I've lost 9 1/2 pounds which I don't quite agree with it but I'll go with it =) haha I think the difference is probably the last time she weighed me i was in jeans and I wore a dress today so the clothing probably weighed less this week. Regardless I'm losing weight!

Today's diet has been kind of weird. Had my normal breakfast, a bowl of cereal for lunch, ate 1/2 a myoplex bar on my way home from the appointment so I didn't pass out and Ryan's cooking tonight I think. Pasta and fish maybe? I don't know, he probably told me last night but I don't remember.

I got my psych assignment done, my government assignment done, picked up the cleaning, picked up the tailoring, bought vitamins and myoplex bars, and went to my appointment today. So much for working on my paper =( I was about to get started but then dad was like "come watch this" and so I watched a 48 minute video on why you shouldn't talk to police. It was pretty interesting, I just have soooo much to do. I'm hoping that I can get back home by 12 tomorrow so that I can work most of the day on my paper. Once I sit down and get to work on it I don't think it'll take that long...or at least that's what i'm telling myself to ward off the oncoming panic attack.

So that's the plan for tomorrow-Wedding shower at 10:30, out by 11:30, home by 12 (I'm praying that that can happen but I kind of doubt it...we'll see) and then lock myself away until that paper's finished. I'm really hoping to finish the paper tomorrow which leaves Sunday/Monday for astronomy and any nescessary paper edits.

Anywho, that's it for today. I'll update tomorrow, hopefully with good news on the paper!

Day 18

2009-04-02T16:52:00.002-05:00

Today sucked!!! It sucked for many different reasons none of which i'm really in the mood to discuss.

Oddly enough my eating's been fine today. Cheerios, yogurt, and a clementine for breakfast and a 6" grilled chicken on wheat for lunch. Not sure what's for dinner yet, still waiting on everyone to get home.

Today I remembered that I go see the nutritionist tomorrow which is nerve wrecking (like I needed another stressor in my life). It should be ok, I mean i've lost weight so I can't see that she'd yell at me or anything. I'm actually hoping that it goe really well and that I get a new sense of motivation from her. Last time I went it really encouraged me to keep going so I'm hoping that this will continue that tradition.

I wish I wasn't so busy!! I know all I do is go to school but this weekend and early next week is going to be insane. I have a 12 page paper due Tuesday, a 3 page paper due Tuesday, an astronomy test on Tuesday, a homework assignment due Tuesday, and a meeting with an advisor on Tuesday so I need to get all of that information together. That may actually be it, but it feels like a lot more than that. The plan (as of now) is that tonight I'll finish up the homework assignment, 3 page paper, and make an astronomy review sheet. Tomorrow I'll work on my paper until noon, go to the nutritionist (I wish she wasn't an hour away!!), get back ~3 and work on my paper until 5 and than make dinner I suppose. Saturday I'll go to Ryan's sisters wedding shower, hoping to only stay for an hour or so but I don't know if that's an option yet, drive home, should get home around noon, and spend the rest of the day finishing off the paper and I'll review a bit for astronomy. Sunday I'll go to church, have lunch with Ryan and my parents, when Ryan leaves to study for his LSAT I'll edit my paper and study astronomy. Monday I'll make any last minute corrections on my paper and e-mail it to my prof, STUDY ASTRONOMY, and gather the materials for my meeting. Tuesday I'll turn in the 3 page paper, homework assignment, go to my meeting, and take the test. And then I might breathe

That was more for my sake than anyone elses, sorry about that. I just have a few big projects to do and I feel like I have absolutely no time to get everything done. Somewhere in there I'm supposed to do an hour a day of exercise....but they may not happen until Wednesday. I'm going to try but my grades are slightly more important than the treadmill right now. I'll definately stick with the strict diet but the exercise may be lacking some next week. I guess we'll just have to see. I'm praying tht God gives me a lot of insight on most of these assignments so that I can get them done in a timely manner so maybe I won't be as stressed out as I think I will.

On that note it's 5 o'clock and i need to get to it if I want to sleep tonight. I'll post tomorrow after the nutritionist appointment and report on how that went.

Day 17

2009-04-01T12:48:00.003-05:00

Yesterday didn't go exactly as planned but I didn't overeat so I guess that's good? Ended up just eating a few ounces of cheese and some crackers for dinner. I didn't exercise either...but that was mostly cause I was too tired and too weak to do that. I also had a lot of school stuff to get done last night. I'm doing better today and I'm going on a walk with Ryan tonight so that should make up for yesterdays mistakes.

I'm still getting frustrated with all of this. I mean I'm doing fine, it's not that...i just wish I didn't have to. I'm sure this won't make sense with anyone who's at a normal weight, but I just get so mad at people who can eat whatever they want or at least at people who don't have to think about what they eat. It shouldn't be, but it's infuriating. As I told Ryan earlier today, food for me has been an addiction and, as with any addiction, it's difficult to watch people partake in whatever when you're banning yourself from it. I think if I can get through the next few weeks my body will readjust and I'll be fine, but right now I'm just so stressed and angry and frustrated. I'm really not sure what happens after four or five weeks cause the one time I did this well on a diet for this long, my grandfather died and all of that went to hell. I'm still praying that God will give me the strength and the wisdom to keep this up and the encouragement to not give up.

There are a million reasons for me to lose weight, I think I'm going to list some for my own benefit- I need the reminder

1) health reasons- it will help with the PCOS symptoms, help with the reflux, help with just general, overall stuf as well
2) make Ryan and my parents proud- I always have felt like I disappoint them when I start and give up (even though I don't know if that's true or not) so I really just want to be able to make them proud
3) self-confidence- I have a few things coming up that require pictures and dresses and things and I want to be able to walk into a room and, if people are looking at me, think that it's because they think i'm attractive instead of thinking that they think that I'm ugly or weird or whatever

There are probably more but those are the main 3 that come to mind right now. I just have to remember how much I need the above list and hopefully that will keep me motivated.

Day 16

2009-03-31T15:42:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling really rundown today, but I think it's just the weather constantly changing...i refuse to admit that its because I didn't eat lunch until 2 and it was only a protein bar. That's completely irrelevant =P

I did an hour on the treadmill and 30 minutes of pilates yesterday. The good news is that I'm not that sore so I guess I'm getting used to it. The bad news, I snuck a peak at the scale and I'm at the exact same weight. I think I just need to drink more water to flush some stuff through my system but I'm not sure. I really do need to hide my scale and drag it out once a week cause I'm starting to get scale obsessed again.

Food intake is decent, I'm pretty sure that I should have eaten more today, but i'll make it up for it at dinner I suppose. Though dinner's gotta be fast cause I have 30 minutes from the time I get home until I have to leave for my WCJC class. I'll figure it out. The good news is that with the metformin I don't seem to be as hungry as I have been so it's easier to eat the way i'm supposed to, but than again it's also easier to eat less than i'm supposed to. Luckily my blood sugar drops pretty low if I start doing that so I don't do it regularly- usualy onlly T/Th when I have class all day.

After class I'm going to attempt to another hour on the treadmill, but I dont really know if I'm going to have time to do that or not. We'll see. This is going to be so much easier when summer gets here and I don't have to stress about school or timing issues or anything else.

I'm hoping to be at my 10 pound mark this weekend. I've lost 7 pounds thus far, so I'm aiming for 3 pounds this week but i'm not sure that's going to happen...but if it doesn't, it's not for a lack of trying. General goal is 175 (20 pounds gone) by May 14th (my boyfriends sisters wedding) and my final goal (which I have no idea what it is yet...170? 165?) is June 12th, the 2 year anniversay with Ryan. Both of those are events that will most likely require dressing up so I'm looking forward to buying 2 really nice dresses for the occassions. But I don't get the pretty dress unless I lose the weight

Sorry I know this is rambling, I just got out of astronomy and my brain is fried and my body is tired, but my brain is completely wired!! I think it's cause I went to Starbucks and had a chai latte and I haven't had caffiene in quite a while? but that was this morning so i don't know why it would be kicking in now. Anyway....enough rambling for now. I'll post tomorrow about today's dinner and exercise. Tomorrow's Wednesday so I should also get to have my walk with Ryan tomorrow =)

Day 15

2009-03-30T08:14:00.003-05:00

New week, new outlook =) I usually don't exercise on the weekends, but I felt like getting on the treadmill last night (which is kind of weird for me!!) so I did for an hour and I feel much better today. I may try to exercise 6/7 days this week, maybe jump start a little more weight loss.

I've also been taking all of my supplements and am starting to feel a difference. I don't think it's helping me lose weight but I feel less worn down...it's been a while since I've felt like I got hit by a bus =) haha, seriously though, it's been helping quite a bit.

This weeks goal...hmmm, I really don't know. I think it's going to be to relieve stress and I don't have a clue in hell how that's going to happen!! Maybe I'll take some bubble baths and get my nails done and that kind of stuff. I'm not sure yet, but the stress is making it harder to lose weight and its making me a basket case. Luckily my friend gets to leave the hospital today (praise God!!) and I only have one exam this week. In shouldn't be that bad of a week. I just need to work hard to keep everything in perspective. I think the goal, as general as it is, is to take time for me every day this week. Maybe its giving myself time to read a book or take a bath or whatever, that's my goal (Ryan would be proud)

On that note, I'm going to get my lazy butt downstairs and start getting ready for the day =)

Day 14

2009-03-29T18:03:00.002-05:00

Well I hit the 2 week mark and weighted in at 188.4 (not sure about the 4...maybe 2...or 8?). I'm not thrilled but I can't complain. I didn't gain any weight this week and I even managed to lose a few pounds. It is definitely a step in the right direction.

My boyfriend, Ryan, and I had a really difficult talk last night. I'll spare the long story but basically it was about how he was tired of seeing me give up on myself and, as he so delicately put it, I need to "stop that shit" =P Seriously though, it was a really good conversation about how I believe in everybody else and take time to help everybody else but I don't take time for me and I definitely don't believe in myself. It gave me a lot to think about. If nothing else it gave me more motivation to get through the upcoming week. I'm reaching that hill that I rarely get past so it's really important that I find motivation in the next few weeks.

Only 4 weeks til classes are out (still have finals though, boo =(!!) I'm glad it's coming soon, it's so much easier to eat well and exercise when I don't have the pressures and time constraints of school.

Anyway, I need to go finish a paper and get on the treadmill.

Day 13

2009-03-28T06:32:00.002-05:00

I think I quit...which I probably don't actually mean, but I really want to quit. I weighed this morning just out of curiosity and I haven't lost anything this week. Not a single pound, or part of a pound, or anything. I don't know what else I could have done. I ate great all week, I exercised 4/5 of the past days for at least an hour....what the hell?? I'm going to hope that I'm just bloated and if I drink lots of water it'll flush some of that stuff out of my system....but really? Why the hell did I not lose any weight?!?!

It's just infuriating, especially when stuff like last night happens. So mom didn't feel like cooking so we were going to go to Sweet Tomatoes last night for a nice salad and whatever which I was excited about. When we got there there wasn't a single parking space so we decided against that. So we looked around us and the only restaurant close was Fuddruckers. So we go to fuddruckers....which if I wasn't on a diet it would have been fine. It's really hard to order a salad at Fuddruckers!! Anyway, point being that I feel like I'm showing a great deal of self-restraint and stuff and I don't understand why that's not paying off.

I know I'm whining a lot, and I appologize...I'm just really frustrated this morning and don't really know what to do about it. I just need a great deal of encouragement today. I'm sure today will be fine and tomorrow will be a new day, but right now I just want to crawl back into bed and stay there!

Day 12 con'td

2009-03-27T17:06:00.002-05:00

Well I got almost everything off of my list so I'm a little less stressed out than I was =) Diet's been decent too- Breakfast was cheerios and fruit, lunch was a ham and egg sandwich (all we had in the house), snack was some fat free yogurt, and we're having grilled chicken breast with vegetables tonight.

I found myself getting really mad today at the fact that I even have to diet. I went grocery shopping and it seemed like all the food I love was there, ya know? I mean obviously it was...cause its a grocery store...but anyway, I just found myself getting really mad that I couldn't eat it. I know that's dumb and that its just food and whatever, but I almost started crying right then and there. I got over it, but it's about this point in the diet where that anger and frustration usually starts kicking in so I'm just trying to stop that ya know? I just get so frustrated when these skinny little people have their carts loaded with fattening and sugary foods and chubby little me has fat free yogurt and lettuce. I do console myself by imaging that in 10 years they'll be fat..which is probably mean now that I say that. But anyway, I just get frustrated because I feel like I work my butt off to loose 5 pounds and here's little miss barbie eating her chips and drinking her beer and what not who doesn't weight 100 pounds soaking wet!!!!! *ahem* I'm sorry, it's been a long day and I'm tired and frustrated. I'm sure this will all be worth it in the end but right now I really just want to throw in the towel and eat ice cream!

Day 12

2009-03-27T10:54:00.002-05:00

Well we're nearing the end of the week =) which means I don't have to exercise for a few days =P haha Have I mentioned how much I hate the treadmill???

I hit a milestone this morning, I got into my skinny gap jeans...ok so they're size 12 but 1) I haven't worn a 12 in a while and 2) these jeans have NO give, you either fit of you don't. So I'm excited! In a few pounds they'll fit better but they fit well enough for me to wear them today which is such an exciting thing for me.

I have sooooooo much stuff to do today so I better get to it, if I have time I'll update later tonight about today's diet and exercise.

Day 11

2009-03-26T21:58:00.002-05:00

I really meant to post yesterday but it was another one of those crazy up and down days that I'm not going to get into

On a bright note I have officially lost 5 pounds (not that I got on the scale or anything...ahem) so I got my massage yesterday. After the day I had it was HEAVENLY! I don't know if I was just really stressed but it was hands down the best massage I have ever had. I'm very glad I did that =)

Went on an hour walk last night with Ryan and did an hour on the treadmill tonight. I'm going to try to do some pilates *grumble grumble* tomorrow to work on my core. I hate working out, not going to lie, but people keep telling me that if i get used to it I'll learn to love it. I hope that's true because I dread it!!

As far as eating, today was good =) Cereal and fruit for breakfast, turkey sandwich and fruit for lunch, 90 calorie rice cakes for snack, egg beaters and a piece of whole wheat toast for dinner and strawberries and fat free sugar free pudding for desert. This is really the first day in a while where I've gotten enough calories. It's not that I was trying to starve myself, I was just so stressed out that I would forget to eat or just grab something and use it as a meal. I do feel better after eating enough today =) hands are much less shaky and the stabbing pain in my side is gone.

So yeah, motivation is still there at day 11 which is super exciting. I'm just praying that I can keep it up. It is encouraging that I've kept up this well through all the stress. Usually when stuff like this happens I lose it and turn to food for comfort. I really feel as if the devil is throwing all this crap at me to make me stumble with this and with my walk with God. God and I have gotten in some heated discussions about why this stuff is happening and I just keep hearing him telling me to put my trust in him- so here it goes Lord!!

Day 9

2009-03-24T15:35:00.002-05:00

Today's been emotionally draining. Lauren's gotten worse which was hard news to hear during class. I've also had to play counselor for a few people today- which i love doing but I'm so stressed with internships and school and stuff that it was enough to drain me. It probably doesn't help that I've only had a glucerna bar, fruit, and a handful of cheerios. My hands are so shaky, its hard to type. I'm going to try to exercise but I don't know if I'll have time after I get out of class at 7. Remind me why I chose to go to class from 8:30-7 on Tuesdays and Thursday? =P Oh well, I'll be glad when I get to graduate a semester early =)

I weighed this morning, just out of curiosity and it was the same...which shouldn't have been disheartening but it was. I'm just telling myself that I'm on my period so I'm bloated and just weigh more? I don't know if that really works but it makes me feel much better.

It sucks that all this stuff had to happen right now- I was doing so great on my diet and exercise and now everything feels like its going to hell because there are so many things to focus on that seem more important than weight loss. This always happens. I do really well and than the shit hits the fan and I stop dieting to focus on other things. I think I made a decision today though- even though all of this stuff is going on, and even though I want to help everyone I can, I also need to take time for me and if that means no 3 hour counseling sessions because your boyfriends a moron than so be it. I just need to focus on this right now and I'm praying that I'll be able to.

Day 8

2009-03-23T09:51:00.002-05:00

Sorry I didn't update yesterday...it was a weird day. First let me say that I lost 4 pounds this week and am at 189.8 right now =)

Anyway, Ryan and I went to the rodeo which was fun but we didn't get back until almost 10. When we got home, mom informed me that my best friend from high school was in ICU with fluid filled lungs, kidney failure, and septic shock. Needless to say after all of that I just wanted to go to bed. And then this morning my friend told me that she broke off her engagement...and my interviews today and I have a paper due tomorrow and one due wednesday and I have to go to the hospital tonight and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

*ahem* I'm feeling a little (and by a little I mean ridiculously) over whelmed right now. On a brighter note I got up and worked out for an hour this morning so I can cross that off my list. THough I'm thinking that when I get home I'm going to do some pilates or something because I need something to distract me and calm me down because right now I am anything but calm and I can feel it doing bad things to my stomach.

Anyway, I need to go get ready for my interview, wish me luck!!

Day 6

2009-03-21T23:14:00.001-05:00

I usually don't post this early but I'm going to be gone most of today. I'm going to the range to blow off some steam, hopefully it'll make me feel better. After that I have lunch with my parents, my boyfriend, and a friends brother. Then I have to drive to spring to go to a showing of an ASL video. Then I have to drive to Katy to have dinner with Ryan and his parents. Then I get to drive back here. I am NOT looking forward to today.

On a brighter note, it'l keep me good on my diet. i'm not going to have time to snack or really even be tempted to eat something that I shouldn't. We're going to Applebees for lunch and they have a ton of healthy options and Ryan's parents always cook healthy for dinner. I'm at leaset trying to be optimistic =P

I may post when i get home, but I doubt it. I'm exhausted already and I haven't even got out of bed yet!!

DAY 5

2009-03-20T16:27:00.002-05:00

Scratch that, today has been the hardest by far! I'm sure its because I'm starting my period this coming week, but I've been so emotional about my weight today. Its been very up and down- starting with being proud of myself for looking good in this shirt I've had forever but rarely wear and then i got all upset because I couldn't fit into my skinny jeans. I don't make sense sometimes. I finally found a pair of jeans in my closet that isn't too small or too big. Looks like I'll be wearing these alot in the coming weeks. There's still that hope that my skinny jeans will fit sooner rather than later. I suppose size 12 hardly counts as "skinny" but it's much better than the 16s I was wearing. I'm holding steady at a 14 now...not that bad but I'm impatient. i just want this to be over!!
I feel bad for those that are trying to help me, especially Ryan. He's been so supportive and great but he just doesn't understand because he's never had to deal with it himself. His body is pretty damn near perfect! Ok maybe i'm a little biased =P but he does have a really nice body. I've always felt insecure about that. I feel like when we go out people look at him and then look at me and wonder what he's doing with me, ya know? It's probably ridiculous, but I just feel really insecure about it.
I really need to get over all of these insecurities. I have always hoped that losing the weight would make them go away...but now i'm starting to think that no matter how skinny I am I'm going to have to face these demons. It's better to do it now I think...maybe?
Anyway, enough ranting. I gotta go make dinner. I'm kind of nervous about it, but I'm pretty determined to just have some fat free yogurt while everyone eats their cobbler. I wish I didn't love mom's cobbler so much!!!

Day 4

2009-03-19T21:10:00.001-05:00

Today was most definitely the hardest! Started out with me getting an e-mail that told me that I wasn't going to get the job that I thought was in the bag. I usually console myself with chocolate but obviously I can't do that now. I did an hour on the treadmill instead...not the same.

Today's also been much worse with my blood sugar and reflux. I'm so shaky, and people keep telling me that its the drugs i'm on but when i eat what i normally would I don't shake. Same with the reflux. The less I eat the more it hurts. It's kind of a sucky situation to be put in. On the one hand i'm doing great with my diet and exercise but on the other hand I feel like hell. Not really sure what to do about that one.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm making a peach cobbler for my boyfriend so I'm a little worried about that but hopefully i'll be able to have some self control and not kill a weeks worth of work.

Day 3

2009-03-18T22:57:00.005-05:00

My entire body hurts but I think it's the good kind of hurt? I did 30 minutes of pilates and walked for an hour today, which i realize may not sound like a whole lot to most people, but it kicked my ass!!! Hopefully my body will start getting used to this and the pain won't be so bad =P I forgot how much pilates works you out! I'm going to try for that twice/three times a week for a while and see if that helps my core. Someone suggested some other DVDs but I already have this one and I'm cheap =)

I do feel a strange sense of accomplishment though, I've worked out everyday (all 3 of them) this week. Again I realize that that's not really a lot for most people, but it's very different from where I usually am. The goal for this week was to work out every week day, only 2 more days and i get a break. wooohoo! The other goal I have for this week is to take my contacts out every night. I know that has nothing to do with weightloss but the eye doc said my eyes didn't look so fantastic, so i figure while I'm trying to change my lifestyle might as well include all aspects of my health.

I'm really looking forward to Sunday to weight....wow, that sounds so weird coming from me. I just feel like i've worked my butt off and i really want to see it pay off. I did sneak a look at the scale and it looks like i'm headed in the right direction but I'm not going to post until Sunday. I started this at ~194/195 (can't remember which) so 192ish seems like a reasonable goal for this week.

Once i lose 5 pounds I'm scheduling a massage for these aching muscles!! I cannot wait, if that's not motivation i don't know what is =P On that note I have a date with a heating pad and some advil. G'night!

Day 2

2009-03-17T12:19:00.005-05:00

Day 1 went well and I'm actually kind of proud of myself. I got up and walked with mom this morning for an hour, it was another gorgeous morning. I'm exhausted and sore but it's the good kind of exhausted and sore, ya know? The kind where you feel like you've actually accomplished something. I had to stop myself from getting on the scale when I got back. I don't want the scale to become an obsession again, so I've decided to weigh every Sunday morning before church. Seems like a good time, start of a new week and all that stuff.

I'm praying that the motivation stays and that I can keep going. I really don't know why it's so hard...I don't think it should be, but it is. I guess it's just not a habit yet, but hopefully it will be. I actually found myself looking forward to my walk this morning and am excited about tomorrow's work out with Ryan. I find it odd, but I'm glad it hasn't been like pulling teeth like it was last time. My nutritionist said that with the PCOS I really need to be working on my core so I guess I need to incorporate that into my exercise. Right now I'm just trying to get any exercise, but I know she's right. Most of my fat is around my core (damn PCOS!!!) and walking won't get rid of it- it'll help but i need to do pilates or sit ups or something. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll do some pilates while mom's at her doctors appointments.

Anyway, off to lunch- steamed chicken, brown rice, and vegetables.

Day 1

2009-03-16T15:08:00.000-05:00

After a near breakdown last night, I'm back on the wagon and starting the diet again. Ryan and I had a really good talk last night about a lot of things, so i'm hoping that can serve as motivation. I see the nutritionist in a little less than a month and I'd rather not repeat the last visit.

So far so good today, though the Metformin is making me pretty sick again. I got up and walked for an hour this morning- it was the perfect morning!! I've been eating pretty healthy too. I'm trying not to give my hopes up because I've been here before. I get all excited about the prospect of losing weight and than the motivation dies and I end up where I was last night.

I've decided to not weight everyday. I think that might make a big difference, because I won't see so much of the water weight fluctuation and I won't get discouraged if I go up and down during the week. I think I've also decided to do weekly goals. I think that before I was looking too much into the future and getting overwhelmed. This week's goal is to excercise for at least 45 minutes every day. It's spring break so I think it'll be easier this week.

Wish me luck
Kristin

HW-210
CW-194
GW-175ish